Living Sober Sucks By Mark A. Tuschel   

Pill poppin' pot smokin' Paul - A.K.A. Paul Andrade

Here is some interesting writing work from Paul Andrade. He is another person that I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know through this website. 

As I recommend to a lot of people, I suggested to Paul that he write out what struggles he is going through. Writing down your thoughts and feelings requires you to stop and think - clearly. Then when you go back to read what you have wrote, you often find that you get a better understanding of what is bothering you. You may also discover that many of your personal issues (guilt, anger, self-hate, low self-esteem, fears, anxiety) and your feelings about others are unsound.  

While most of what I write about has to do with alcohol, many of us have a lot of cross-over addictions. A lot of us aren't just drunks, we're also drug addicts. I haven't done any narcotics in over 25 years, but I still crave them. Many people claim that pot is the "gateway" drug, but I believe that alcohol is. I didn't start doing drugs until after I became a regular (daily) drinker.

My own personal long-term problem was with alcohol, but I felt that the topic of other mind altering substances should be shared and talked about on this site. I read some of Paul's early work and I thought that he had an interesting story to tell. Read what he has to say and follow along with his progress.

Paul currently volunteers with youth groups to help teens that have drugs issues. You can email Paul if you want to contact him regarding drug addiction or if you're curious on how he got involved helping teens with drug problems.

Mark.

Living Sober Sucks 

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Pill Poppin, Pot smokin Paul

This piece of writing by Paul was so uplifting and promising that I wanted it to be the first part of what he has to write. The rest of this page chronicles the steps he took and the stages he went through to get himself clean. Mark.

(12-07-09)

    Positive changes are happening. A lot has happened since becoming free of my addiction. One major difference that I love is that my mind has regained clarity; as if I’ve been in a cloud of smoke and the smoke has now cleared. I notice that I have a lot more energy, I’m more motivated, I feel better physically and mentally and in being more clear, conscious and aware. I’ve also noticed some negative behaviors that were not so obvious to me while under the influence of drugs. Looking back at it now, people in my life would tell me that I was acting in a problematic way, but I would just be angry and think they were the ones with the problem. I lost several good people because of my behaviors.

    I did not have much patience, I would react quickly and harshly, little things would offend me and I would take everything personally. Sometimes I could be very mean. I would get very loud and get in someone’s face. These were the types of behaviors I had expressed while being on drugs, but I soon realized that just because I was not using anymore didn’t mean these negative behaviors were gone too. Now that I had a clear mind and became more self-aware, I noticed that at times those old behaviors would still come out and that I needed and wanted to control and ultimately eliminate them permanently. This was easier said than done. I knew I had a long road ahead of me.

    These old negative patterns were conditioned behaviors that probably started from my childhood from all the trauma and abuse that I was exposed to. I knew that this would be part of the process of being sober and starting a new life. So I had to be brutally honest with myself, which isn’t easy. No one likes pointing out the negative aspects of themselves, but if I had any chance of changing, I needed to confront my issues and be honest. This is a process that I still work on today, but by being clear headed I am aware and see it for myself and have begun to transform myself into the man I know I can be and have always been. I’ve come a long way and now when something happens that normally would have triggered a negative reaction from me, I am more aware and make a conscious choice to replace the old negative behavior with a more calm approach. Now I’d be lying if I said that’s the way I handle it all the time, because there are certainly times when I do allow my mind to get the best of me, but even then I am aware and quickly redeem myself. It’s a process, it’s not something that I will ever complete. I believe that to improve, I must constantly and consciously work on are shortcomings and fine-tune myself till the day I die.

    I’ve also noticed that I’ve been attracting positive things, people and experiences into my life after I made a conscious decision to change for the better and after taking some action in that direction. There have been several people that have shown up in my life that I have never met;from different parts of the country and have made a significant impact on my life. These people have been so giving of themselves to me without wanting anything in return. They have inspired and motivated me to do things that I would not have normally done in the past. It’s like as soon as I changed the way I looked at life, life itself changed and it’s almost like it rewarded me for doing good for myself. I don’t believe in coincidences and that these people and experiences just happened to come my way at this particular time, I honestly believe that we create our lives based on our dominant thoughts and the way we perceive life. So by me changing my mind and the way I thought and the attitude and new perspective I had on life,things started to coincide with the way I was thinking. It is pretty amazing to see this happen in my life, which makes me want to expand and continue to stay on this path that I’m on now.(to be continued)

(10/29/09)

    My name is Paul. It’s been a little over 1 year of being drug free. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I can honestly tell you this wasn’t the first time I tried to quit, it took many years of pain, suffering and struggle to get to where I’m at today and it’s just the beginning. My drug of choice was Oxycontin as well as Percocet, Vicodin and marijuana and in the event I couldn’t get any of the above I’d do anything I could get my hands on, including heroin, cocaine and on many occasions smoked crack. The thing is if you ever met me you would never of guessed that I did any of those things. I guess you could say I was a functioning drug addict. I have a full time job that I’ve been working at for ten years. I have my own place, I could budget my money well and had a little bit of money in the bank. I was in a serious relationship, I had friends, people really liked me and thought I was the nicest guy. If someone would of told them that I was doing all of those drugs they would of bet their life on it that I couldn’t and wouldn’t of ever done one of those drugs never mind all of them. I hid it well. I figured that if I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself, what was the problem. I justified it by saying, “Hey I got a job, I live on my own, I’m responsible. where’s the problem”. I would pop pills and be high on pot no matter where I was. I did it at work, I would do it before going on a date, I would do it before going to family functions, while playing with my nieces and nephew, I would wake up in the morning and it would be the first thing on my mind. I had a routine like most drug addicts do. I would buy an 80mg Oxycontin pill so that once I woke up it would be the first thing I did to start off the day,  I would pay 65 dollars for one pill, is that crazy or what, 65 dollars for one pill and you know what I would do it with no problem, it didn’t matter to me I wanted it so bad. So I would wake up in the morning all excited that I was going to get high, I took the pill scraped the coating, crushed the pill, formed a straight line with the powder and snorted it, sometimes it would be to much that I would gag, but I loved it. It felt so good for about 4 hours. Then throughout the day I would smoke pot and sometimes I would buy more pills on the same day and continue to get high until all hours of the night. 

    I thought I had it under control. Then it got worse, much worse. I started to hang around with the wrong crowd and one of those main players was a cousin of mine who introduced me to other drugs, like crack and heroin. One of the reasons we would do those drugs was because it was much cheaper, a lot cheaper. Not in a million years would anyone close to me believe that I was smoking crack and snorting heroin. I couldn’t believe it. Here I was going back and forth to the projects picking up crack from a guy who would eventually be sent to jail for stabbing another guy multiple times in the chest. But at the time there was nothing going to stop me from getting what I wanted. 

    But why was I doing all these drugs? That was the question I kept asking myself over the years. Was it because of the rough childhood of mental and physical abuse, being poor, not having a childhood and having to work at the age of 13 to come home and give all the money to my father who would drink it all away. You could say it played a big role in me wanting to cover up a lot of pain that I had inside of me. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and a mother who is an angel on earth. She suffered the most and we all were witnesses to the mental and physical abuse she went through. Do you know what it’s like when you see the only person on earth who loved us unconditionally and I believe was born solely to raise the 5 kids she had, be beaten physically and mentally on a regular basis, and the guilt we carried when we would do bad things and my mother would take the blame just so she wouldn’t have to see her kids get hit, so she instead got the abuse that we would inevitably have gotten. When I say beaten, I mean blood, bruises and broken bones. So, yeah it played a huge role on why I got involved in drugs. I know, not everyone who goes through a situation like this, gets involved in drugs, but everyone is different. But there’s no way you can go through a childhood like that and not be affected in a negative way and not have to deal with some emotional or mental issues as your grow into an adult. As far as me, that’s how I dealt with it, as I said everyone is different. There’s 7 billion people on earth and we all are different and have our own story and what I’m doing here is telling you my story and how I was able to get on the journey of unraveling the layers of pain & suffering and finding my true self underneath it all. 

    I know the majority of the world has their own sad story and I’m not saying it’s an excuse to have gotten into drugs but it definitely played a role. This is the upbringing I had, we all learn and build our foundation of who we are through our parents, the way they raised us, what we were exposed to, whether or not we suffered trauma in our childhood, through our culture, our surroundings, our financial status, our traditions and so forth. It all plays a major role. I was exposed to so much pain & suffering and had no idea how to deal with it, there was no support, no one there to get us the help we needed. So I did what a lot of people do in that situation, I got involved in drugs. I didn’t know, especially as a kid of any other way to deal with all that pain. It felt good; it stopped the pain for awhile. Some people have great childhoods but still do drugs, they just experiment, or peer pressure, wanting to fit in, their friends are doing it or for many other reasons, but as for me it was solely to cover up the pain. 

    Because I was a functioning addict it took me that much longer to realize, even though I was hiding it from most people in my life that it definitely had and was having a serious effect on my life and the people around me. When you hide something like this for so long you learn to become a very good liar. There were many times I would blow off family, friends, girlfriends, appointments and anything else because I just wanted to stay home and get high. People would ask me how I was doing and I would just smile and say everything was fine. I did feel bad about lying but it never stopped me. I felt like a phony, I wasn’t showing anyone the real me, I didn’t even know who the real me was. I started doing drugs at the age of 13, I don’t think I ever knew who the real Paul was. The people who were around me the most like my girlfriend, the people I worked with a few friends I had would be the ones that were at the affect of my drug use the most. I would have mood swings, I would be angry and start fights for no reason and think they were the ones with the problem. (10/29/09)

(11-02-09)

    How I started my journey of being clean and sober. Some people who abuse drugs don’t want to quit and think they can live the rest of their lives being high. And you know what - some people actually do. I was not one of those. I did want to quit. I always had that feeling of desire inside me that would scream, “I want to be free of drugs.” I wanted so desperately to feel what it was like to be sober, to live a life without having to be high. I just was not strong enough to do it at that time. I guess that’s where one would have to start if they want to be free of addiction. They need to want to quit for themselves, that’s one thing I know for sure.

    Now the way I was able to quit is not necessarily going to work for anyone else, but it’s what worked for me and it definitely was not something I did once. I was in outpatient drug rehab clinics numerous times. I would stop for a little while, maybe a week or two, then just to fall right back into it. So my quitting was a process. The key for me - and this is what I tell people - is that I never stopped trying to quit, I never gave up on myself. Even though there were times that I felt hopeless, I would try again.

    There was no one in my life that made me get help, no one forced me to try this or that, it was me. I was my biggest supporter. My family knew about it, but I don’t think they took my condition seriously. They may have thought that I might being doing a little too much (drugs) here and there, but because I had fooled everyone into thinking I had my shit together they just figured I would be Ok. There were times that I was so desperate to get help and support from my family that I would be in tears telling them how bad it was, but still I don’t think they realized how serious my addiction was getting. I know that it was not because they didn’t care, maybe they didn’t want to believe that someone they loved so much was in that bad of a situation, maybe they didn’t know how to handle it, I still don’t know why but that was one of the hardest experiences for me to go through. I felt so alone. I knew then that I was going to have to do it on my own.

    The first thing I did was seek counseling. I knew that the drugs was not really the problem, I knew the problem was much deeper than that. The drugs were just covering up all the pain that I had inside. I knew I needed to deal with all the mental and emotional stuff that I had ignored all my life. I think that’s where I probably differ from other addicts. I was aware of the deep rooted emotional issues I had, and that this was the main reason - at least for me - why I had got involved with drugs. Like I keep saying and will continue to emphasize, this is what I think was the cause for me and what worked for me and that everyone is different and what I’m doing here is telling you my story.

    I was open to trying anything. It was either that or just give up and continue to get high, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. Like I said the key for me was the fact that I never stopped trying. I might have succeeded temporarily, and then failed many times over, but I never stopped trying.

    Now being in counseling and pouring your heart out and reliving your childhood is not easy to put it lightly. It brought up a lot of negative emotions. I know most people find it very hard to open up and communicate how they feel especially if they’ve had a traumatic childhood,  which only makes perfect sense but for some reason I have never had a problem discussing my past or communicating how I feel. After many sessions with the counselor it made perfect sense why I had all those destructive behaviors. I really got a lot out of those sessions. I know some people might be hesitant about counseling because society sometimes has a negative view on it but for me it was a big help. I’m not ashamed of it and I would recommend it. Again it was what I did and doesn’t mean it will work for everyone.

    While in counseling and dealing with all my inner turmoil, I also put myself into an outpatient drug rehab clinic again, to deal with the addiction itself. What the clinic did was put me on a drug called suboxone, which is supposed to help with the cravings.

(11-6-09)

    Going to the outpatient drug rehab clinic was challenging at first. I really wanted the help but I also was having a hard time letting go. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but the first time I was there they told me I needed to be off of any and all drugs for at least a day or two, and needed to be in the withdrawal stage - which is like going through hell. I remember leaving the clinic and getting one more oxycontin pill, I figured - one more time what the hell - so I did. Letting go of drugs  was hard, because drugs were like my partner, my friend, something that never let me down when I wanted to feel good. Drugs made me feel  like nothing else ever did, even though there were negative consequences that went with it. Drugs were something that temporarily made me forget about my insecurities, worries and troubles. It took every cell of my body to fight against that force inside of me that didn’t want to let go, but I knew it was time and that this was finally going to be my time.

    So after that last pill I had to stop and go cold turkey, knowing I was going to have to go through withdrawals. Which like I said, was one of the worse, if not the worst experiences I’ve ever had. The first day was horrible - I had body aches as if I just got beaten up by several guys the day before, I also remember that I had this feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin! I literally wanted to peel my skin off. It’s so hard to explain,,, it was a weird feeling and also the scariest feeling I had. There must be a name for it, but I never found out because the sensation was difficult to explain and I didn’t want anyone to think I was going insane and have me put away in a crazy house, so I kept it to myself. I know I probably should have said something but under the state of mind I was in, I wasn’t thinking straight.

    The will to quit was slightly stronger than the will to use again, because I was very close to using again just so I wouldn’t have to feel all that pain, but I didn’t. Besides the pain there was also a wave of depression that came over me like I’ve never felt before. I’ve been depressed in the past but never like this. I honestly thought that I was dying. You have to remember that I had been on pain killers for many years. My body was so accustomed to the drugs and then stopping so abruptly that it (my body) had to go through the process of adjusting to not having the drug. I was told that I would go through these types withdrawal symptoms but there’s no way of preparing yourself for something like this. I would also have panic attacks. If you’ve ever had a panic attack you know it’s a horrifying experience. You literally feel like you’re going to stop breathing, so then you start breathing heavier and start to panic because you think you’re going to pass out, which in turn makes you panic even more. I would get down on my knees and take small breathes, I would also try to convince myself that this was all in my head.

    I remember one episode when I was having an attack, I called my younger brother and explained to him what was happening to me. I would be emotional and he somehow got me calmed down and made me feel relaxed. I’m not sure what he said but it helped. I found out later that even though you really feel like all those things that you think are going to happen while you’re having a panic attack are going to happen - they actually won’t happen, it’s all in your mind. I’m sure it’s deeper and more complicated than what I just said but that’s what I got out of it. And believe it or not, once I knew that these things wouldn’t actually happen to me, I never experienced panic attacks since.

    Besides the physical and mental pain that I had to endure, which I thought was the worst thing that I would have to go through, it actually was not. What affected me the most was the fact that I had to go through this all alone. I had reached out to a few family members, and to my surprise, was not taken seriously. Like I mentioned before, I know that it wasn’t because they didn’t care about me, maybe they just didn’t want to believe that someone they loved so much was in that bad of a situation, maybe they didn’t know how to handle it? I don’t know even till this day why they reacted that way, but that really crushed me. I was devastated by their lack of support (acknowledgement of my problem).

    We played the typical family role - we were so close that we would do anything and everything for each other, but when it came to them accepting that I had a drug problem and needed their support, that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t believe it. Even though I got through all the physical and mental pain of withdrawal at that point, I felt like using again. I wish I could tell you about some amazing way of how I was able to hold out and not use, but I can’t because I don’t know why I didn’t use, I just didn’t. Maybe it was because I had made it this far and I was afraid to go back - I’m not sure.

    There was one person that reached out to me and offered himself and told me to call him anytime I was feeling bad and he really seemed genuine, he was the counselor that I was seeing at the time. I felt he was the only person I could turn to at the time and that he cared about what I was going through. After those several days of withdrawals I was scheduled to go back to the clinic to be administered the suboxone.

(11-12-09)

    The day I walked into the clinic I was in pretty bad shape and at this point more mentally than physically. They did some tests to make sure I was in withdrawals. I’m not sure why they wanted me in withdrawals but that’s the way it had to be at this clinic. The nurse practitioner that developed and ran this suboxone clinic was very caring and determined towards helping me want to do better for myself - she seemed genuine and sincere. It was as if she knew me and actually cared, which was a change from the other clinics I’ve been in the past where I was just a number. I remember her being happy whenever my urine would come back clean, without any narcotics. It would motivate me to make sure I would not use and produce a clean urine so I could make her happy. I know it sounds weird that I was doing it for her, but it really does help when you have someone that really cares and wants to know how you’re doing. It meant even more that she didn’t know me but was genuinely concerned and really wanted to see me beat this addiction. You could see that she was very passionate about helping people, so it played a major role on my wanting to do better. So I wasn’t just doing this for myself, I was also doing this for someone else.

    So, if I can recommend anything to someone else who is going to beat an addiction - besides never giving up trying to quit, no matter how many times you’ve tried in the past - it is having someone who cares enough about you to be there for you and support you while going through this process. It’s very sad and unfortunate that not everyone has that luxury of having someone like that. Don’t assume it has to be or should be a family member or friend, because you’d be surprised who will show up in your life that you would least expect would be there for you.

    The first day of my treatment they gave me a half of a suboxone pill which is orange, I guess it supposed to have an orange flavor but let me tell you it tastes nothing like an orange, it was nasty. You’re supposed to put it under your tongue and let it dissolve, it’s a slow process, the expression on my face looked like I just sucked on a cat turd. I hated it. I later found out that if you drank something hot while it’s under your tongue and try not to swallow, it isn’t so bad. I guess the hot liquid helps dissolve it faster. After sometime, maybe an hour or so, (could have been shorter or longer I don’t remember) I started to feel better. At this point I should mention that this wasn’t the first time I used suboxone. I had been in a suboxone treatment program before - actually several times - but this clinic was different in many ways. In the past it (suboxone) was prescribed by a doctor and all he did was give you the prescription and send you on your way. It was only a three month program and after that you were on your own. It did help while I was on it, but once the program was over I could feel the urges slowly come back and after about a month or so I was back to my old routine of popping pills and everything else I was involved in. It was very discouraging because I really wanted to quit using. Every time I got back into drugs after using suboxone for three months, I thought it was hopeless, as if there was no way of stopping because I thought there was nothing else for me to do other than to use. At that time I had tried the suboxone treatment a total of three times, and when I failed, I started wondering if it’s even possible to quit. But like I said earlier, this time I had a drive inside of me that no matter what, I would never stop trying to quit.

    So after months of using, spending thousands of dollars on drugs and lying to everyone, I was so desperate that I went online and looked up “drug rehab clinics”. This particular clinic ended up being the last one I have since needed to help me stay clean. One of the differences with this particular clinic was that it was not a three month program; it was for as long as you needed. Another difference was that they tested you to see if you were using. They also set you up with a counselor if you didn’t have one of your own and they would work with them. But the biggest difference for me was that the people running the program seemed to care about their patients, especially that nurse practitioner I spoke of that ran this particular program.

    At first I would have to go there once week and they would only give me enough for that week. This is because people actually sell these pills to other junkies who use them to get through their withdrawal symptoms until they can get enough money to buy whatever drug they use. From what I heard you could get five dollars for each pill. That’s one of the reasons why they tested you, they wanted to make sure you actually had suboxone in your system, otherwise they knew you were not serious about getting help and being clean of drugs. I was serious and did what I was told because I had had enough and was desperate in getting help. After a month or so they changed it from once a week to once every other week after they saw that I had been taking the suboxone and passing the urine tests and undergoing counseling.

    I know everyone is unique and under different situations, but for me suboxone really helped. It’s not a miracle drug but it allowed me enough time to stay sober and while being sober I could deal with the underlying issue of why I had gotten into the drugs in the first place. It gave me enough time to see what I was missing in the world and to reflect on what I had done to myself and the people around me who I had lied to and lost in the process.

(11/20/09)

    I was going to the rehab clinic once every other week for my prescription of suboxone and by them drug testing me they could see that I was doing better and that I was following the rules. From that point they moved it to once a month and periodically testing me for drugs. After about a year or so I was ready to wean off of the suboxone which was my choice. A major factor I think in helping me stay off of the opiates was the fact that I could have stayed on the suboxone as long as I thought I needed.

    For me, the treatment that I received and the people who ran it played a big role in my sobriety, along with having certain people in my life care enough to help and support me through it. But none of that would have made any difference if I didn’t have such a strong desire to quit and to change my life around. The desire to become clean and live a better, more productive life has to be stronger then the desire of the addiction, even if just a little stronger. That being the case you cannot give up trying. Staying completely clean might not happen the first time or the second or the third. But if the desire to have a better life and the will to never stop trying is there, you cannot lose, you will beat the addiction, it’s just a matter of time. This is what worked for me, and again I realize everyone is different with different stories, so you need to find what works for you. It could be the total opposite of this, but if it works for you then that’s all that matters, if the end result is living a sober life. 

    It’s been a year without drugs, and I know for a lot of people that’s not a lot of time, but for me which is the only person it should matter to, it is a long time, especially because I started when I was about 13 years old when I smoked my first joint - actually I probably drank alcohol before that. So from that point until about a year ago there might have been weeks, maybe a month - I’m just guessing - of not doing any drugs. But a year is a pretty big deal for me. It’s also a huge deal for my family and some close friends who are extremely happy and proud of me.

    I’m not so naive to think that my work is done, because it is far from over, but I’ve never felt as strong as I do now. I realize that the percentage of people who relapse is very high, so I continue to work on the issues or reasons that are deep rooted, that played a major role in why I got started in drugs in the first place. I know it’s going to take awhile, but I’m really ok with that, as a matter of fact I enjoy it, because no one wants to clear those issues that have held me back for so long more than me.

    I’ve noticed certain behaviors and patterns in my life that have held me back. All of the ruined opportunities, experiences, relationships, friendships and most importantly the way I thought of myself. I’ve always known this, but never did anything about it. Well, I guess I did,,, but it wasn’t in a productive, positive way. I dealt with it in the most self destructive, negative way possible, by using drugs. To this day I continue to seek help and am very self aware of my behaviors. I also choose the people I associate with. If they do not have my best interest at heart, or are not good positive people with good energy, I’d prefer not have them in my life.

    Before I decided that I would only associate myself with good positive people, there were several people who were dragging me down and holding me back. I knew that I needed to remove them from my life if I was to have any chance of succeeding. That’s one of the things I would suggest to anyone who has an addiction or wants a positive change in their lives, it would be to let go of the people who don’t have your best interest at heart, who are holding you back, who are negative and don’t have any interest in making something of themselves. Especially if they are also involved in drugs you must let them go. Trust me I know this part is not easy, because these people can be family members or long time friends and there can be some consequences when you do let them go, but if there’s any hope of getting better, this is something that has to be done. You have to understand and come to grips with the fact that this can be a long, painful, emotional and difficult process. You have to go into this knowing that fact and be honest with yourself. But what other choice do you have?

    There’s really only two choices, from what I could see. One would be stay in the situation you’re in -which we all know how that’s going to turn out - it’s a road that leads nowhere. A life of pain and suffering, of going nowhere, of losing friendships, family, money, experiences, jobs, being depressed, having serious medical issues, etc. The other choice we have,even though it can be very challengingat first, would be to try and get our lives back, to be free of drugs. This is a process and from what I’ve seen and experienced,there’s no onesimpleway of getting there. I believe in doing whatever works for you; self determination, a personal plan, friends who are sober, rehab, meetings, whatever. Just start somewhere and never give up, because eventually you will get there.Like I’ve mentioned before, the desire to quit and change your life, has to be stronger than the desire to use, even if only a little stronger. 

. (To be continued)