Living Sober Sucks By Mark A. Tuschel   

The financial crisis is cutting deeper into the American consumer than most thought it initially would. Many Pimps, Drug Kingpins and lower level dealers are feeling the financial pinch.

Sales are down: “This was the worst quarter since 1983 when Nancy Reagan pushed her Just say NO campaign” said Otto Branford, CFO of Crazed Bastards motorcycle club. While same store crack-house sales are off by 1.2%, earnings are down a staggering 37%. The increased cost of refining materials has had a dramatic negative impact on production. “This shit costs more to make, not to mention that energy prices are increasing.” claims Cornelius Jefferson, CEO of Meth-Movers, Inc. “While other motherfucker’s have started steppin’ on they shit, I maintain a policy of selling high quality junk at an affordable price. But motherfucker’s be cuttin’ back. I’ve even had to switch from Hennessey to Wild Turkey! Can you believe that shit? What’s a motherfucker to do?”

Projections lowered: Titto Escobar, head of International Marketing at Cocaine LTD, expects lower earnings in the coming quarters. “Instead of 1.2 billion E.P.S. I am lowering our earnings outlook to 1.18 billion E.P.S.” Escobar says. “Times are tough mang! I cancelled my order for 400 spoke gold-plated 19” rims and down graded to 300 spoke 18” chrome. This shit sucks homs!”

Still, value oriented addicts have found some bargains. Value priced products like “ditch weed” continue holding market position along with generic pharmaceuticals. “I’m on a tight budget. I no longer share my needle with just anybody. I have to keep a close eye on my drug purchases.” said one junkie named Carl.

Cost cutting efforts: As some whorehouses have closed their doors, many other Pimps have turned to cutting back on work force. “I hads to lay off 20 ho’s last week. My bitches ain‘t happy.” Still others are rolling out special promotions like “2 ho’s for the price of 1” and “Frequent Fucker Cards”, entitling regular customers (Johns) to receive their 10^th trick free.

Porn industry getting pounded: Even some safe havens like the porn industry are getting drilled. Online porn viewing is down over 56%. “We’re really takin’ it in the ass” says Sid Gullberg, an independent online porn promoter. “Guys aren’t spending hours jerkin’ off in front of their computers like they used to. Most of our porn stars used to shoot 3 days a week, now they’re down to shooting one day a week, if that even. Hoy, this really blows.”

No one really knows for sure when these industries will start their recovery, but until then, many purveyors of sin will be forced to tighten their own belts. But one thing is certain, good times will eventually return. “People will always spend money on drugs and sex, whether they can afford it or not” claims Heidi Fleiss.

Contributing reporters: Mark A. Tuschel and Jimmy “The Eyes” Parvollo.

Grave Humor

By: Paul A. Tuschel (my brother)

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