Living Sober Sucks By Mark A. Tuschel   

To Be or Not To Be…

An Alcoholic

Excerpted from the book Living Sober Sucks:

Alcoholic - what a wonderful title to hold. For us problem drinkers, being an alcoholic is a badge of honor. It gives us a sense of being part of an elite group or club. Other drunks welcome us in with open arms. Then, if we stop drinking, our new title allows us membership into another exclusive group - the recovering alcoholics. We’re special, not everyone can be a member of either of these groups but I have been a member of both.

When I was actively drinking, I wasn’t embarrassed to admit to other drunks that I was an alcoholic. After I quit, I had to deal with the stigma of, “He’s a recovering alcoholic,” and people treated me differently. But now, I’m just someone who doesn’t drink. However that stigma keeps some people from being willing to share their struggles. They are worried about the embarrassment that their friends, family or partner will have to endure. Well chances are good that your friends, family or partner is already aware if drinking is causing problems in your life. And which is worse? The stigma of being a recovering alcoholic or letting alcohol run your life?

I believe that the title "Alcoholic" is overused as well as misused. Someone does not have to be clinically deemed an alcoholic to have problems in their life due to drinking. Sometimes people want to belong to this exclusive group to gain sympathy or attention. Or they like holding this title so others will show them compassion and forgive their behavior. Calling one’s self an alcoholic also allows people the opportunity to offer an excuse for their behaviors such as, "Oh I know I'm such a fuck-up, but I can't help it... I'm an alcoholic." Or, "I can't quit drinking. I've tried but I'm an alcoholic." We often use the title "Alcoholic" so we don't have to accept responsibility for ourselves or our own decisions.

It’s nice to be able to blame something else for our mistakes, indiscretions and failures. “I'm normally not like that, it was the alcohol,” or "I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing" and "I can't help it, I'm an alcoholic" are great excuses. And the nice part about using alcohol as an excuse, is that alcohol can’t defend itself.

The harsh reality is that "I'm an alcoholic" is not a valid excuse and you don’t have to be an alcoholic for drinking to adversely impact your life. Maybe whenever you have a couple of beers you get lazy and don’t feel like fulfilling your responsibilities. After a couple of glasses of wine you have a tendency to argue with your partner. Anything that gets in the way of you performing your daily responsibilities or creates conditions in your life - that you don't like - is a problem.

Say for example that I loved "Crafting" and I spent all my free time crafting. I am so busy crafting that I don't eat properly, I don't mow my lawn or show up to non-crafting events. People would simply say that I am obsessed with crafting but they wouldn't give me the title “Craftaholic” or suggest that I go through a 12-step program to stop crafting - but it is still a problem for me.

The difference between alcohol and crafting (golf, fishing, tennis, etc.) is that alcohol is introduced into the body and physically changes how your brain interprets signals. If you have the "terrible habit" of crafting too much, you can always set time limits; "I will only craft for two hours tonight," and you can stop crafting after two hours without it affecting your thinking process. Whereas if you said; "I will only drink for two hours tonight..." you wouldn't be able to think as clearly afterwards, providing that you could even stop drinking after two hours. I'm sure you get my point.

When it comes to something as powerful as alcohol, the best way to control it is with abstinence. I would hope that you know that I am not some temperance lunatic or Bible thumper. Hell, I use white wine when I cook Shrimp Scampi or make something with a Dijon mustard sauce. Alcohol is fine for those that want to drink it. Many people are responsible social drinkers and alcohol doesn't pose a problem for them in their lives. Some people are complete drunks - great - good for them, if that's what they want.

If you thought that crafting, Sudoku or fishing was getting in the way of your daily functions, you know that the best way to control that problem would be to not even participate - you would abstain. The same holds true for wine, beer, Scotch, etc. If drinking causes problems in your life, then the best way to control it is to abstain. It's the FIRST glass that is the problem - not the last.

If you think you have a problem with alcohol, then you probably already do. Try abstaining for 30 days. What's the worst that can happen?

Getting drunk is instant gratification, living sober takes time. Sobriety is not a one-time thing. “Okay, I’m sober, what’s next?” It is an ongoing daily project that takes patience. It takes time to see the improvements, but after a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years, etc., it all starts paying off. If you can be patient, I’m sure that your friends and family will be patient with you. I’m not making any false promises to you. This will take time, it will be tough on occasion, things may not always go as planned. But some things will get better, I can promise you that. Try living sober, what’s the worst that can happen?

Aren't my dogs cute??? They are my best friends!

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Some days really SUCK!

Some days it is so painful for me to not drink. I reflect back and think about why I had stopped drinking in the first place? I thought it would save my marriage. Then the ugly reality hits me that even after I stopped drinking, my marriage and my life still collapsed around me. Did I stop drinking for nothing? Is this pain and battle with self control worth the effort?

Life doesn’t always get any better once you stop drinking. All of the problems in my life didn't disappear or go away. My life didn’t get any better, in some ways, it seems like it has gotten worse. My life may not have dramatically improved once I started living sober, but one thing is certain, my life sure is different now.

People will tell you: “Oh, you’ll be better off without him/her/it . Everything happens for a reason.” No shit things happen for a reason,,, but it’s not always a very good reason or a good outcome. Did I mention life doesn’t always get better? I battle daily, almost hourly, struggling to answer why I shouldn’t drink. I have every legal right to drink. Depression is constantly looming in the background, lurking, waiting to come rushing in when I least expect it. Depression wants me to have a drink. I have a bad feeling this isn’t going to go away easily or for a long time. This is why I say “living sober sucks.”

I do not go hungry, I have a nice house, I have safe and reliable transportation, and I have my health. Yet I am in pain. I loved drinking, but I loved my wife more. So when I was asked to stop drinking - I did. Now I am divorced and I am lonely, I feel shattered by someone I loved and trusted and I can’t even drink my depression away.

I wonder if all I‘m doing is lying to myself when I say that I’m better off for not drinking? I know that I want to drink. I don’t have a physical craving for alcohol, but I like the smell of beer. It smells inviting and I want to guzzle gallons of it. I like the smell of Scotch. I like the way Scotch would “hit me” as I was drinking it. I like the flavor and the “hard impact” that straight Gin gave me. I am honest with myself.

I am not trying to pose an argument that we alcoholics should start drinking again. I’m sure that if you are an alcoholic or an addict and you read my materials, you’ll be tempted to start up again. My goal is not to tempt you or to have you question whether sobriety is the right answer for you. My goal is to share my feelings as honestly as I can. I believe that if you do the same, you can keep your demons under control. Hiding from things caused us to drink or to do drugs. Then we most likely did stupid things while we were drunk and/or high. Then we didn’t want to admit what we did, or we were embarassed, so then we would “blame” our actions on the alcohol. We kept hiding inside our bottle, never wanting to be responsible for our actions. Being sober is fucked up! I hate this,,, but I can’t go back.

Drinking won’t bring my wife back, it won’t clear up mistakes I have made and it won’t make me a better person or a better partner for someone in the future.

Some days it really sucks living sober.

Life is meant to be enjoyed:

Living sober may suck, but life is meant to be enjoyed. But how can that be? How can such complete opposite statements go hand in hand? Pleasures in life come with things that “suck.”

Here‘s an example. I own three dogs and it sucks when I have to pick up dog shit, but dog shit happens to come with dogs. If I want to enjoy the friendship, fun and love I experience with owning dogs, I must also perform a duty that sucks. The same applies for cat owners, horse owners, cleaning the aquarium, working for a living and living a sober life.

Living sober may suck but you can also enjoy life at the same time. You owe it to your friends, family, spouse, lover, partner and especially yourself to enjoy your life. If you are religious and believe in God, then you especially owe it to your creator to enjoy your life. Life can be enjoyed after recovery and even while you are recovering from an addictive past. Yes, life can be enjoyed without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

I recently watched a great man die. It took him almost 3 full months to wither away. Slowly degrading and spending his last month unable to walk or talk, barely able to hold his head up and focus on me. We had rare moments of eye contact. He labored with breathing, unable to eat. No feeding tube, just a slow, ugly, foul death. However right before he began fading away, he said something to me that I must try to live up to myself. He looked at me and said: “Mark, I have no regrets. I did everything I wanted to do in life.”

He did not say this with arrogance or because he lived highly at someone else‘s expense. He said it with gratitude and appreciation. He had been a farmer, a biker, a hard laborer, he worked fulltime from age 13 to age 63. This man traveled the world, skied all over the world, traveled around America on a motorcycle, hunted, fished, golfed, bowled, gambled, dated plenty of women. He did all of that and he WASN’T a drinker! He fully enjoyed his life without drinking.

This man taught me how to ski, to hunt, to fish, to play cards. He taught me how to accept the fact that some things in life suck, like paying bills, working for a living, shoveling snow, paying taxes, picking up dog shit. But he also taught me how to enjoy all those things that suck. This man was not only a good friend of mine, he was my uncle. I will never forget the things he taught me. I want to be able to say "I have no regrets. I did everything I wanted to do in life and I did it sober."