Living Sober Sucks By Mark A. Tuschel   

3 Years Sober / Reflections:

Here I am celebrating 3 years sober. I went out to dinner on my anniversary date with a very sweet friend. She asked me an interesting question: “So what‘s it like to be sober for 3 years?” I sat quietly and pondered. Here was my answer: “It‘s nothing like I expected.”

I thought that sobriety would bring joy, happiness and love into my life. I thought that sobriety would fix all of my problems and make the world tip in my favor. Holy shit was I wrong! Before I continue, allow me to at least say that regardless of the struggles, the pain and the emptiness, I am so very glad that I decided to live sober and stay sober.

As I try to objectively view the past 3 years, I realized that my pain doesn’t just stem from not drinking. I went through a very painful divorce, I found out about some very disturbing things my wife had done while we were married, my dad died (while holding my hand), I went through financial collapse, recovery, collapse and recovery again. I had been thrust back into the dating scene after 24 years with the same woman. I have met a few nice women, some freaks, some drunks, some pathetic bimbos and one very wonderful woman. What this all tells me is that life still happens, whether you’re sober or not. Sobriety has allowed me to handle adversity.

Reflecting on 3 years, I find that it is more boring than I thought it would be. I am far lonelier than I expected. I feel as if I have lost the ability to experience certain emotions (euphoria, love, the ability to cry). These feelings may be due to the earlier mentioned events. I want no compassion, no sympathy. I am simply sharing my thoughts with you.

On the positive side, I feel strong. I like being in control of myself. I like the intelligent conversations I have with friends. The relationships that I have with people are deeper and more rewarding. I accomplish more and I can relax more during recreational time. (Read my full 3-Year review)

Ultimately I am glad that I am living sober. But I won’t lie to you, it still remains a struggle, even after 3 years.

Yup,,,  3 years sober, without a single relapse and the best I can say is “this is fucked up”. It would be nice to have a drink or two, but that would be my downfall. I CAN’T have even one drink,,,, ever again. I accept and embrace that reality, so now it’s up to me to make the best out of my sober life.

Be selfless:

Live sober for

someone else.

Are you ready to change your life and live sober? Once you start your new way of sober living, it may throw a lot of things in your life out of balance. Any change you make will have a direct impact on many people. Even positive changes may create problems. Some people won’t be as excited for you to sober up, some may not think you should change or want you to change. Some of your friends may end up resenting you because you are able to do something that they can’t, or they might resent you because they just lost their drinking buddy. Your desire to change may upset a lot of people. Are you ready for this? This is a huge, life altering decision. Your spouse or partner may say they want you to quit drinking/drugs, but when the rough spots happen, they may not be able to help. They may not know what to say, they may not understand what is so hard or why you are so irritable. They may even say that they want the “old you back”.

Living sober is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process, it is a continuous change in your way of life. You can’t hurry or rush sobriety along. I could hardly wait to say “30 days sober.” No matter how much I rushed it, it still took 30 days. And once I hit 30 days did I experience some great reward or fabulous sensation? NO! It was just another day. That’s all that sobriety is,,, just another day of my life,,, but I was sober. If you’re going to go without drinking and live sober, try for at least 30 days. Fuck that “one day at a time” shit. Nothing counts unless you try at least 30 days, then another 30 days, etc. You might have to start by going sober a night here, a weekend there, but eventually I ask that you go for 30 days.

People like simple and easy answers, but these two words (simple & easy) don’t equate to one another when it comes to sobriety. Living sober can be a simple task but it will not be an easy task. It will be simple in that all you need to do is not drink, yup, that’s the simple part. Controlling your urges and temptations to drink or do drugs will not be easy.

Many people will say that you have to sober up for “you”. They will say that you can’t do it for someone else. I disagree. I think you can live sober for someone else. I would rather be drinking. I like to drink, I like the taste of beer and alcohol. I am honest with myself, this helps me respect what alcohol is and what it does to a person. I am living sober for other people, not for me.

I see the joy in my siblings faces when I talk with them and have deep, fun conversations. I remember how proud my dad felt that I was strong enough to sober up. I like being invited to parties and events because I’m a fun person and not because I have good drugs or I’m a good drinker. I like knowing that other people are jealous that I have the strength to control my drinking. I enjoy knowing that because I am sober and still alive, that pisses some people off. I like the fact that I scare some people with my honesty and ability to control my urges to drink again. I like knowing that I can be an inspiration to others and that they just might have better lives and better relationships because of me. I stay sober for everyone else but me.

Let me give you an example: I stopped drinking for my wife, hoping it would save my marriage. Well my marriage still came to a sad, foolish, unnecessary ending. I have no regrets for sobering up. I have no regrets for trying to salvage my marriage. I had a wonderful wife and we lived a charmed life. I admit that living sober sucks, but in the same breath, I will admit that I am glad I sobered up.

By accepting these realities about sobriety, I am not as tempted to go back to drinking. I do not feel “let down” by sobriety. I would be lying to you and misleading you if I told you that sobriety is going to be a wonderful experience, filled with joy, love, happiness and heightened levels of consciousness. When we get drunk, we feel “high”, there is no equal and opposite sensation for sobriety. I don’t feel a “sobriety buzz”. I will say that I am more aware of things happening around me. I make better decisions, I am better at my work and can enjoy my career more. I am less irritable (now) and I am not as easily rattled by trivial difficulties that are inevitable in life.

No one can actually force you to sober up. You may get forced into rehab by your employer, your family or the courts because you were arrested again. You will not sober up until YOU decide that you are willing to try. You can’t expect others to keep you sober or hold them responsible for keeping you sober. This is completely up to you. You may be staying sober for someone else, but they can’t do it for you, only you can do it. Some days will be easy, some days not so easy. Living sober can be much less of a challenge and far more rewarding if you are doing it with someone (like a spouse, lover, friend or partner) and you have specific goals in mind.

Be selfless and live sober for someone else. Try it for 30 days. What’s the worst that can happen? 

Patience my friends, patience!

When it comes to starting your new sober lifestyle, patience eventually pays off. Sometimes life is fair and justice is served, but it can only be experienced if you have patience. As long as you don’t wake up dead tomorrow, life will go on and the universe will continue to expand faster than Christie Alley’s ass.

I am sober for 3 years now and slowly but surely my life and the conditions around me have been improving. Can you believe that I would say that? Me? Mr. Cynical, Mr. Sarcastic, Mr. Living Sober Sucks! Oh sure, some things still suck (like the desire and temptation to drink), but conditions are getting better in my life because I have taken control of it and because I am sober. I am learning how to truly enjoy a sober lifestyle.

Believe me, problems still exist in my life, but they are different and more manageable problems now (almost enjoyable problems). I still battle with life’s daily irritations, letdowns, struggles and disappointments, but life is starting to taste sweet again. It has been necessary for me to stop and take inventory of all the good changes and improvements that are developing. Sometimes we get so busy with life and sobering up that we miss all the changes that are subtly occurring. We are so busy doing that we forget that we got to where we were going.

I’m not bullshitting myself or you. It’s not necessarily the conditions that have changed, it’s my thinking, my thought system and my patience and acceptance that has made the conditions better. I can enjoy the conditions that exist due to my clear thinking, which is a result of sobriety. I am no longer chasing conditions to make me happy. My thinking draws happy conditions towards me and into my life.

Sobriety has enabled me to think clearer. I see the world, people, relationships, conditions and my life from a very realistic vantage point. I can enjoy the “ups” as well as enjoying the “downs”. Yes, I have learned to enjoy the “downs” and have gained a lot of strength and love from those “downs”.

Getting drunk is instant gratification, living sober takes time. Sobriety is not a one-time thing. “Okay, I’m sober, what’s next?” It is an ongoing, daily project that takes patience. It takes time to see the improvements, but after a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years, etc., it all starts paying off. If you can be patient, I’m sure that your friends and family will be patient with you. I’m not making any false promises to you. This will take time, it will be tough on occasion, things may not always go as planned. But some things will get better, I can promise you that. Try living sober, what’s the worst that can happen?

It's okay to drink!

Abraham Lincoln should have said: "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, BEER!" Alcohol is part of our economy, our culture, our society and our families. It's okay to drink, it's even okay to get drunk! Can you believe that an alcoholic would say that? I wish I could get drunk, but I can't. I’m not trying to talk you into drinking or having a relapse. My purpose is to speak openly and honestly. I know plenty of people who are capable of drinking socially without any adverse effects. I also know plenty of people who are fully functioning professional drunks. They have good incomes, have happy home lives and even have loving spouses.

So it's okay to drink, maybe not for me or maybe not for you, but it's okay for other people to drink. I think it is important to remind yourself of that. Just because something isn’t good for you doesn’t mean you should tell others how to live their life. I believe that if you keep this type of attitude in mind, staying sober will be easier. My life and my marriage was ruined by excessive alcohol use, but that doesn’t mean others shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy drinking. It also doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t be allowed to drink themselves into oblivion and shatter their own lives.

Here’s my point. Let other people drink. Don’t be the dick-head that has to tell everyone your story. Go out and live life with everyone else. If it bothers you too much to be around alcohol, then stay home, go to a friends house. If you don't have friends any more, then go to A.A. meetings or your favorite church. Be willing to help friends, spouse, partner or family, if or when you are asked to help them. Go on living a healthy, loving, successful life and be an example to others.

If you think that drinking is adversely affecting your life, then it probably is. Just by quitting drinking doesn’t mean that your life will get better. It may. My life got better in some ways, in other ways it is far worse. Some days, living sober sucks.

Learning to live sober:

I have had to learn how to enjoy life as a person that doesn‘t drink or do drugs. Here’s what I do to help me solidify my determination to stay sober. I step back and look at the lives of other people who continue to drink or do drugs. Their lives are filled with unnecessary chaos. They may be very good people at their core, but they do dumb things and draw chaos into their lives. They make bad decisions, they waste money, they waste precious moments of their lives sitting in bars, they get drunk and argue with their spouses, children, friends, neighbors. I don’t want any of that shit as a part of my life. I want to have my health, my job, my house. I don’t want to always be broke, wondering were all my money went. I want to have great friendships and a loving spouse and I want these people to know that I care about them too. I want to treat people with love, respect and kindness. These things are easier to do now that I am sober.

Here are a few of the things I do to help me enjoy my life as a sober person: I started a mutual fund that I deposit money into every month. This is money that I would have been spending on booze or drugs. It may not be a lot, but it adds up pretty quick. You could do the same. Send $50, $100, or $200 a month to a mutual fund. I could always find money to spend on beer or Scotch, so now I do the same for my mutual fund. I plan on spending that money on either another car or a vacation some day. You decide what you would or could do with that money after only 1 year. I spend my money on good food. I buy steak when I want, or I treat myself or a friend out to dinner. I make sure that I spend less money on stuff than I would have spent on booze or drugs. I’m not using money to make myself happy, I’m rewarding myself for NOT wasting it. Having more money available can calm you and make you feel more secure and give you a sense of self-control.

It isn’t just money that I use to enjoy my sober life. I spend more time playing with my dogs. I spend more time working in my yard and making my house look nice. I spend more time helping friends with their home projects and I spend more time having deeper relationships with my friends. I go to a gym to exercise. I feel healthier, I sleep better and I look healthier. I read a lot of books. I stay very busy doing things for me, my family and my friends.

I’m not suggesting that you have to become a super-human overachiever to enjoy life sober. Now that I am sober, I find that I use my mind and my time far more efficiently. I enjoy my work and my projects and when I’m just sitting around “fuckin’ off”, I don’t feel guilty and I can truly enjoy relaxation. So I am learning to enjoy life as a sober person, but the temptation to drink and the desire to drink is always with me. That is why I continue to say “Living sober sucks”.

Even as I say that I am glad to be sober, this is a very difficult existence. I was once a drunk and I enjoyed getting drunk. I also did a lot of recreational drugs. Those are things that I still crave. I understand what it’s like to be an addict. I was addicted to many things: alcohol, coke, tobacco. I may have taken control and stopped doing these things, but I am still addicted to them. I want them, I crave them, I would like to continue using them. For example: I liked getting drunk, I just didn’t like the results and consequences that came with all of my drunken behavior and drunken lifestyle. If you were never a drunk or drug addict, you simply can’t understand the desire a recovered / recovering person has for these things. You can’t understand and relate to the depression that hits us when we can no longer partake in our old friend alcohol or drugs. When you can’t have booze or drugs, and everyone else seems to be having fun drinking and getting drunk, it can be pretty damn depressing.

My advice is to not take your sadness out into the world with you. Don’t take your sadness or depression to work. Don’t bring your family down, don’t bring your friends down. When I go out in public, I am happy. I’m vibrant and people like hanging around me. I am not hiding from my issues, I’m just trying to live a normal life. We are drunks and we have enough internal problems, don’t bring any more drama into your life or the lives of others. Just because you feel like God pooped in your coffee cup doesn’t mean you should bring everyone else down around you.

I may be struggling inside, but I won’t bring others down. This helps me to be a better friend and to stay sober.

#1 - Don’t take depression with you out into your life.

#2 - Don’t cry your “tale of woe” to everyone you run into.

#3 - Do your best to always be in a good mood while you’re around people.

#4 - Get a pet. Become a dog or cat owner.

#5 - Celebrate your sobriety by going to dinner with friends or hosting dinner at your place.

#6 - Exercise! It really does help you feel better about yourself.

Who knows what will trigger your temptation to relapse. Being depressed and staying depressed will make you weak and you are more prone to give in to temptations. Depression tricks you into rationalizing that you “deserve a drink”. You may have a hard day at work, an argument with your wife, husband, family member, somebody pissed you off. Don’t let anger or depression trick you. Catch yourself and decide to do something else other than drink. Even if it’s for 10 minutes. Do something to get your mind off of anger and depression. Those few seconds when you can still say “no” are the most important seconds in your continued sobriety.

For some strange reason, I am more tempted to drink when things are going good than when they are going bad. When shit starts going right, I feel like celebrating my accomplishments. That is when I have to build on my success and strength. I remind myself that I was able to accomplish a challenge only because I am sober. It can be tough to stay sober when you’re having fun. I might be hanging out with friends or sitting on the neighbor's deck, or at a party. The drinks are flowing and everybody is having fun. Again, you must remind yourself that those few seconds when you can still say “no thanks” are the most important seconds in your continued sobriety.

Remember to reward yourself. Enjoy your power, bask in your strength, then humble yourself and do something nice for a friend.

I am available for hire as your own:

Personal Sobriety Coach.

Hire me for 30 days and I will keep you sober, teach you how to live and enjoy life sober and get your ass in shape! Just email me.

Read some excerpts from chapters in my book:

"Living Sober Sucks"

On this website, I bare my soul to you. I share all of my feelings of depression, sadness, guilt, temptation and anger. However, if you were to meet me in person, you would never know that I suffer from these feelings, and more important, you would never know that I don’t drink. I share my private emotions and struggles with you here, on my website, because this is the place to do it. We’re here talking about the difficulty of trying to live sober lives. It is a daily struggle.

It’s easy to forget the pain.

Excerpted from: “Living Sober Sucks” Chapter #9

Here is an example of how easy it is to forget the pain of being an alcoholic. Luckily for me, the moment I actually thought about drinking again I became filled with terror.

I was asked to be “best man” at my friend Mike’s wedding. He is marrying his new girlfriend, who, by the way, doesn’t like me. (Can you believe that shit? Somebody actually doesn‘t like me?). I was quite honored that he had asked me. One of my duties as “best man” was to organize a bachelor party for him. So I invited a group of guys over to my house. It was your typical setting,,, cigars, beer, foul jokes, inflatable doll, etc. We all hung out at my house for a couple of hours. All the other guys were drinking beer but I drank seltzer and O’doul’s. All of these guys know that I don’t drink and none of them tried to tempt me or bust my balls for not drinking. The subject of me not drinking came up and we talked about it briefly. Most complimented me on my ability to stay sober, but it was a party for Mike and we stayed focused on teasing him.

We eventually headed out to dinner at Hooter’s. I was Mike’s designated driver. While we were eating dinner, the subject of “not drinking” came up again. They were all drinking beer and I was drinking iced tea. Some of the guys that have known me for years began to say that I wasn’t a bad drunk. They commented on how I never got “drunk and belligerent” or “you never got sloppy drunk,,, why can’t you have a couple of beers? What‘s the big deal?”

I actually thought about it. I wasn’t seriously considering drinking then and there, but I started to wonder if I could drink. Suddenly, I started to feel anxiety rush through me. I became warm, my heart beat faster, I started sweating, I began feeling terrified. I thought “what if I did have just one beer and they were all wrong?” What was I thinking? How could I ever even think this way? My mind was running a million thoughts at once, but no one could sense what I was going through. Outside I was calm, but inside I was raging with panic. This was all too scary for me.

I slowed my mind down and thought “would drinking improve my life?” The answer was a simple “NO.” None of my friends would have thought any less of me if I would have had a drink, but I would have thought less of myself. I didn’t have a drink because I am that strong or because I didn’t want to break my sobriety streak. I didn’t have a drink because I answered the simple question “would drinking improve my life?”

I am stunned at how easily and quickly the thought of drinking entered my thoughts. I know how much anxiety and terror I felt just thinking about drinking that I can only imagine how much anxiety and terror I would have felt if I did have a drink. Then I would feel even worse and the only answer would have been to have another drink, and another and another. It amazes me at how quickly one can forget the pain and problems that excessive drinking brings and how quickly one forgets the pain and torture an alcoholic suffers while sobering up.

I am so glad that I followed my own advice and slowed my thinking down during those few important seconds when I could still say “no”. I saved my own life. I’m sure I will have to do it again. If I am ever tempted to drink I will ask myself the very simple question “would drinking improve my life?” The answer will always be the same,,, “NO”.

A few profound quotes

By Mark Tuschel.

Everything doesn’t always turn out for the best, but you can make the best of how things turn out.

A smart person learns from their mistakes, but a smarter person learns from everyone else’s mistakes.

I don’t think I was all that bad, but I didn’t have to deal with me as a drunk,,, I was me!

This is fucked up!

Alcoholism isn’t a disease, it’s a choice.

I am paying the price today for what I did yesterday.

You never know how you look through someone else’s eyes.

Let go and let gravity! - Some things fly, some don't.

I know why I do the things I do, but I do not know why I don’t do the things I should do.

The day I needed help from God, He called in sick.

If you think you have a problem, you probably do have a problem

As long as I do something, something will happen.

Sometimes life is fair and justice is served - be patient.

Life can get better, if you let it, and help it along a bit.

Hey, at least I’m still sober!

I don‘t care!

I don’t care what YOU want to put into YOUR body.   I care about what I put into MY body.

I don’t care if YOU want to drink or do drugs.             I care whether I drink or do drugs.

I don’t care how YOU treat people.                             I care how I treat people.

I don’t care how YOU want to act or live your life.      I care how I act and how I live my life.

I don’t care about who YOU hang out with.                I care about who I hang out with.

I don’t care how many randoms YOU go home with.  I care about who I give my love to.

I don’t care what you might think or say about me.    I care what I think and say about me.

It isn’t that I don’t care about people. In fact, I care deeply about the important people in my life and I care about YOU, but I can’t care about what they do or what you do. I have to pay attention to what I do, what I say and how I react to other’s. If friends do things that I don’t like or that aren’t good for me or them, then I must decide if I want to hang out with them. All I can control is ME, and all you can control is YOU. I believe that this attutude will help you pay attention to your own sobriety.

People have done some pretty rotten things to me.  I’ve been cheated on, tormented, humiliated, laughed at, belittled, emasculated, lied to, and emotionally hurt. I’ve had people die in front of me, had good friends die in my arms, been robbed, lost money, made money, had my ass kicked and kicked a few asses. I have been loved and hated. While I was a drunk I had probably done some of those same things to people that I love and I must live with that guilt, but that isn’t an excuse or a reason for me to drink. It doesn't matter what you’ve been through or what anyone has ever done to you,,, no one forces you to drink but YOU! There are NO excuses, no “good reasons”, there is no rationalization! I’m not superhuman and I’m nothing special,,,, I’m just honest with myself and with you. Try living sober for a while. What’s the worst that can happen?

Thank you Dad for keeping me from killing myself.

Thank you to all of my family and friends that have stuck by me and helped me stay sober. Special thanks to my crazy friend Jhennifer.

To all of you that said I was worthless, weak, pathetic and that I couldn't stay sober:  "Go Fuck Yourself"