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(05/02/13)

Do societal pressures motivate some of us to drink? We can’t blame society for our own drinking behavior, but for some of us, societal pressures, along with our personality type, can influence our drinking habit. Quite a few introverts are under the belief that drinking will help them become extroverts, and extroverts are often prized or admired by society. It’s worth the time to step back and consider your own personality style and determine if you’re introverted or extroverted. I don’t like pigeonholing people by using labels, but we all have a propensity towards a certain temperament; introvert or extrovert.

If I must use a label, then I will say that we are all ambiverts (a combination of introvert and extrovert behaviors), yet each of us lean more towards a certain style. For example, I am an outgoing introvert. I have no fear of public speaking and social engagement. Yet I truly prefer one-on-one exchange as to large social gatherings. I enjoy my solitude and I prefer to work alone. I have little to no fear of introducing myself to a stranger, but my goal in introducing myself is not to gain mass popularity and acceptance. Being an outgoing introvert puts me in a strange spot, especially as an author. I know that I would sell more books and become more popular by being more public (extrovert). However, MY popularity does no good to someone else. If YOU desire to find happiness in your sobriety, how would my popularity help you? How would my popularity help YOU go through the discovery process of learning about yourself? So my avocation of writing and my enjoyment of solitude lend me towards being an introvert and I try to embrace what I am, but I’m willing to be flexible and adapt when necessary.

Back to the topic of societal pressures. Some of us are more introverted than others. An introvert is not necessarily shy, has an inferiority complex or is antisocial, yet the introvert is often automatically labeled as such. That’s when an introvert may feel societal pressure (by extroverts) to go out, tear it up and “appear” to be normal. Again, society is not to blame, the individual allows themselves to be swayed. Let me state that the “individual” is not weak or foolishly impressionable; on the contrary, introverts are perceptive and can internalize what they see. The individual has normal human desires; to be loved, accepted and respected. They do this by loving, accepting and respecting in return. This is often accomplished by behaving and living in a way that the individual believes are the expected societal norms—the act of social engagement as prescribed by extroverts*. This is when an individual may go against their own better judgment and try to become someone they are not.

*(Extroverts are NOT to be labeled as drunken, immoral loudmouths. Many extroverts are very thoughtful, introspective and are even shy. Extroverts can also socially engage without partaking in any self-destructive behaviors. However, extroverts do have more influence than introverts do on mass audience persuasion and cultural bias through their outgoing involvement in social media, advertising and public attention. For instance, an introvert can influence culture by establishing a music style or fashion style, but it is the extrovert who usually brings it to the mass market.)

To engage in “perceived social norms” one often believes that they must follow their immediate social group’s traditions which may include: levels of drinking, recreational drug use, certain sports, hobbies, religions, political parties, material or financial acquisitions, physical appearance and artistic interests. Following or appeasing the perceived social norm can draw a healthy person (introvert or extrovert) into self-destructive behaviors. We often do things to please others and to avoid being judged.

The desire to please others is noble and natural, yet it can lead a person down a self-destructive path. I don’t think that any of us plan to become dependent on alcohol or drugs (or gambling or sex or anything), but it happens. Often it happens out of our desire to please our friends and peers. It’s not their fault, we willingly participated (albeit we may have felt pressure), it was still our decision to hang out with them and to participate in the behavior.

It is a fact that we are constantly being judged by others, but shouldn’t we consider who is judging us? Why should you care if someone judges you poorly based on THEIR temperament and standard of values, especially if the two of you have different temperaments and values? I believe this is an important thought to keep in mind. This will help you be comfortable with your beliefs and personal values, holding onto your own self-esteem—while not being overly judgmental of other’s beliefs and values—respecting their right to their own self-esteem. You may not agree with someone else’s values, but they have just as much right to them as you have to yours.

This line of thought should not be misinterpreted as an endorsement to live any way you choose by disregarding civil law or behaving in contempt of social decency. Most of us innately know the difference between right and wrong. But living your life to appease the judgment of others can become a harmful crutch. Extended use of a crutch can reinforce personal (and chemical) dependency on said crutch. As a child, we learn to use crutches early in life—act a certain way and we will likely get what we want. This can establish future behavior patterns (habits) as an adult. Some behavior patterns promote collaboration, health and civility, others promote self-centeredness and often self-destructive habits. HOWEVER, (this is a BIG however which is why it’s in all caps), people can and do change. But it’s not always apparent when someone is changing and evolving towards better or towards worse.

If you’re normally the quiet type, you don’t have to drink to develop social relationships or to come out of your shell (that’s even if you want to come out of a shell). Why not call booze and drinking what it is? “Here, have a glass of extroversion.” That’s why it’s called “loudmouth soup,” and “belligerence in a bottle.” Alcohol can turn an introvert into an extrovert. Sustained use of alcohol can turn an extrovert into an introvert.

I have no absolute answer for how you should behave or what type of temperament you should have. There is no single best personality type to have and I don’t know what’s best for you. I don’t have to live your life and neither does anyone else. Only you know what feels right for you. You will likely have to take a few calculated risks to confirm what’s right for you. Balance is the goal—YOUR own personal balance and comfort.

I can offer some suggestions—regardless of your personality type (introvert or extrovert). Try new things only if YOU feel like trying them, not because someone else said, “You should try this” or “You should do this.” Take their suggestion, but decide for yourself. Do what feels right with your own personality. You don’t have to become something or someone you don’t want to be just to please the crowd.

You might want to try new things but you’re afraid or you might feel that you’ll make a fool out of yourself. Those are natural apprehensions that we all have. You may need to take a few risks. Taking a few calculated risks will build your self-confidence.  “I want to try that Zoomba class, but I’m so uncoordinated that I’ll look like an idiot.” If YOU genuinely want to try it, then try it. Here’s where “calculated risk” comes into play. Sign up for a beginner class or ask a friend to go with you. Start small and let things evolve. If you honestly like staying home and reading books, then do that. If you truly feel that you should go out and socialize, but you’re afraid to, then decide to take a risk and go out and socialize. You may discover that you like it, or you may discover that you actually prefer being at home with a book (or guitar or whatever).

I don’t think it’s necessary to discover “why” you are a certain way, be it introvert or extrovert. I believe that it’s more important to discover “what way” you are and embrace it. If you don’t like the way you are, then study and practice ways of changing. Some attributes CANNOT be changed, be they physical attributes or personality characteristics. Personality characteristics are more flexible and can be addressed, but only to a certain point. Accept what cannot be changed and please spend the time to figure out how you can make the BEST out of your own uniqueness. Don’t be a sheep—be YOU. You’ll probably discover that you’re pretty cool just because you’re you.

If you’re curious about where your personality or temperament leans, you can research the Myers-Briggs personality test. I caution that this should only be used as reference. Only YOU know what makes YOU comfortable in your own skin and it isn’t necessary to give yourself a label.

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(04/20/13)

The story of mankind as a social creature includes a long history of alcohol and public meeting places to drink alcohol. As far back as the 5th century B.C., the Greeks and Romans built Taberna Deversoria (Taverns along roads for travelers) and Taberna Meritoria (Taverns for locals). These weren’t exclusively dedicated to serving wine and alcohol to patrons, they were the world’s first shopping centers, but a central feature was the drinking area where people could congregate.

The United States of America also has a long (and often dark) history of alcohol and bars. Settlers were arriving from Europe, where clean, safe drinking water wasn’t readily available. Fermentation and distilling was a way to assure that a fluid wouldn’t kill you. Along with hydration, these fluids also offered a minimal amount of nutrients, so the intent wasn’t strictly to catch a buzz. Wine, beer and hard ciders was what people drank, even for breakfast.

When North America was being settled (invaded?) the first point of business by settlers was to build a Tavern. Taverns were used as courtrooms, for religious gatherings, town meeting centers, as post office, library, etc. Over the years the Taverns have been called many things: Ale house, pub, ordinaries, grog shop, Inns, Taprooms, Beer gardens, Saloons. The bar has always been a place where people could congregate and discuss any topic freely. (For purposes of this article I will use the term: Bar.)

The American Revolution was hatched, developed and centered out of bars—so you could say that our country was born in a bar. Many new ideas and movements have developed while people sat in bars, some good and some bad. The assassination of Lincoln was planned in a bar, corrupt political wrangling and business deals have been discussed, started and executed through bars. Racism, sexism, political corruption, violence, revolt, homophobia, segregationist rhetoric, vigilantism and all sorts of hate have been spawned in bars.

On the positive side, many movements have been started and organized through bars. It was mainly the “right to associate” which bars allow for and people could congregate and discuss their concerns. This sparked the development of unions, worker’s rights, women’s rights, civil rights, gay rights and more. It is “the right to associate” which is key to human freedom. Bars have been the social gathering place for many citizens who wanted to maintain their (or their group’s) anonymity before going public with their movement. Bars were America’s first (and virtually the only outlet) for freedom of speech. It’s funny that bar patrons would decry, “America should be fair and free to all people,” except for the unsavory sorts that the bar patron didn’t like.

For me it’s a bit shocking and painful to read about certain aspects of our country’s past. The history of America is far more violent, corrupt, limiting and racist than many of us may realize, and a lot of it stemmed out of bars. Bars and patrons in one area of town might be violently attacked by patrons of a different bar. Many Black, Irish, German, Jewish, Slavic, (virtually any ethnicity), gay and lesbian bars were constantly being raided unless the owner paid the necessary bribes to politicians and law enforcement. Then those “protected” bars would be strong-armed to have the patrons vote for the politician giving them the protection. You think our politicians are crooked now, this strong-arm corruption by law enforcement and politicians in bars had been going on for a couple hundred years.

Live music was rarely allowed in bars and if it was allowed, there was a limit on how many musicians could play at one time (3 was the limit to perform). The saxophone was banned because it was “too racy, associated with drugs and loose sexual mores.” This of course was intended to control the “animalism” of black patrons and their influence on the general populace with their devil “spasm” music, which would eventually become known as jazz and ragtime. (I wish to remind you that these are NOT my opinions but simply the recounting of history.) Laws and ordinances were not enforced equally.  An ethnic barkeep had to pay the bribes or be raided and shut down, whereas the elite “whites” didn’t have this problem. Most of their places were left alone because as officials said, “They were respectable and knew how to drink.” A good example of respectable, responsible and knowing how to drink would be Ted Kennedy?

Bars were the “safe” meeting place—most of the time—until they became villainized by puritans and anti-drinking proponents. Prohibition is often called, “The failed noble experiment.” Corruption, loss of tax revenue and the infringement of an individual’s rights brought the repeal of prohibition. When someone else determines who can meet whom, where you can meet, what you can talk about and what you can imbibe with, that infringes on your deep desire to make your own decisions. Tell a person that they can’t do something and chances are good they’ll want to do it even more. People want the freedom to associate and make their own decisions.

I find it interesting that by making something legal, this allows for it (the product) to be controlled better, without controlling a person’s rights. Alcohol for instance. Laws are established for when and where it can be sold. Bars have limited hours of operation. Penalties can be imposed upon those who drive while under the influence or have open containers in their vehicle. Age limits for legal use are imposed and easier to enforce. The % of alcohol content in a given product can be limited, enforced and regulated. The government receives taxes on multiple levels of production, distribution and sales of the product. The failed noble experiment showed that alcohol itself is not the villain, the misuse, overuse and inappropriate use of alcohol is the villain.

Alcohol and bars have been a major part of our heritage, politics, economy and our right to freely associate. But this is a double-edged sword. Corruption, illegal activities and many broken lives have come as a result. There have been ridiculous regulations on who can enter a bar, how many musicians or what type of music is allowed to be played in a bar. We might laugh at these things now, because most of us can walk into any bar or club, listen to music, mingle and determine for ourselves if we feel comfortable or safe and want to stay there. We have a lot of freedoms today as a result of people congregating, associating and freely discussing ideas in bars. The root of our “right to associate” stems from the bar. I feel that our current society is much more open and better as a result of bars. But there is a new movement even more powerful than congregating in bars, and that is our current technological and information sharing revolution.

With all that said, what do we non-drinkers do if we don’t want to hang out in bars? (And if we’re non-drinkers why would we go hang out in a bar anyway?) Regardless of whether you’re in a marriage, partnership, relationship, have children or are single, most of us want a break from the routine and we would like to go meet with new people or meet with those from our community that we might not normally meet in the work or home environment. Where do we go? Where do we meet to socialize and discuss new ideas?

The coffee shop (Starbucks), libraries and bookstores are public places, but it’s not the same as a bar. Free spirited women don’t jump up on a table and lift their shirts and flash everyone. People are much quieter and reserved in these places, they tend mingle less. Many are there to work, read or relax; they’re not necessarily there to socialize with strangers. But that doesn’t mean you can’t go there to socialize and meet new people. Just be aware that it’s a much more restrained atmosphere. After you’ve been there a few times you may recognize some faces. Take a risk and introduce yourself. You can always offer to buy someone a cup of coffee or tea; it’s no different than offering to buy someone a drink in a bar.

Many other people feel that AA meetings or religious gatherings are their new social hangout. But at these gatherings, the people in attendance are explicit in their purpose for being there and the topic of conversation is limited to the parameters set forth by the organization. (At least that’s the way it is at “official” meetings.) Social gatherings hosted by these organizations allow for intermingling and free discussions among the attendees, but any subject contrarian to the group’s tenets could be considered as sedition against the organization. Free speech and free thought are not always welcome. Regardless, those venues may serve your interests and purposes for socializing just fine. Who am I to say what’s best for you?

I believe that technology—namely the internet with websites, blogs, chat rooms and social media—is rapidly becoming a viable social outlet. Keep in mind that a lot of websites have precise guidelines as to what can be discussed, allowable language, etc. Many have overzealous moderators who edit or ban comments. If you don’t like a website, its subject matter or guidelines, then don’t visit it, there are plenty of alternatives out there.

Don’t overlook the power of the internet when you’re searching for groups, clubs and associations that are in line with your interests or hobbies. If there isn’t a local chapter or group for your interests, maybe YOU will be the person to start one? You can also start your own website, blog or chat room, inviting others to be part of YOUR movement.

The internet is a distinctly different way of meeting and communicating with people and we need to use the internet in a different way than face-to-face meetings. Literacy skills are a must to establish credibility. Facts, data and claims can be easily checked on. Words and ideas can be misinterpreted. The internet is a wonderful exchange medium, but there’s still nothing much better than face-to-face communication and the freedom to gather and associate—and it doesn’t always have to be in a bar.

Let’s use social media as a launch pad for movements and to invite people to gather at public rendezvous places. I believe that we are smart enough to evolve our social “freedom to associate” skills in healthy and civil ways. Together let’s figure out new ways and new methods to mingle, freely associate and share ideas, without having to resort to meeting in a bar. Let’ start our own revolution.

If you like this blog or podcast, please make a donation to my site securely through PayPal: http://www.livingsobersucks.com/donate_to_this_site

If you want to do some research or reading of your own about alcohol and bars in the history of America, may I suggest:

America Walks into a Bar / By: Christine Sismondo

Last Call / By: Daniel Okrent

The Spirits of America / By: Eric Burns

Prohibition / A film by Ken Burns & Lynn Novick

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(04/05/13)

My mind is a mess. I like to believe that I think rationally and logically, but my brain has a mind of its own and it usually plays tricks on my rational thinking through irrational and illogical emotions. But that’s o.k., that’s just part of being human. I’ve come to realize that I’m trying to function and survive in the 21st century with a brain that was designed to work best in 5,000 BC.

When we look at the neuroanatomy of the human brain, we find that we have all these various brain parts that help us protect ourselves from predatory animals, find food and promote raw reproduction of our species. (Parts like: amygdale, pons, hippocampus, cerebellum.) The brain was not originally designed to drive a car, use an iPhone, shop eBay, interact on Facebook, use online bill pay or do online trading. These are new concepts that our mammalian and human brain must learn about and adapt to. There are new types of pressures; technologies, societies and interactions of relationships that our brain hasn’t yet evolved to understand and handle. But that doesn’t mean we’re a lost cause.

As far back as Plato, many great thinkers believe that we have two different minds running inside of our brain—the unconscious and the conscious mind. There is so much that takes place within our unconscious mind which then drives our feelings, actions and behaviors that it can be scary—almost as if we really don’t know ourselves or why we do what we do and emotionally feel the way we feel. I like to tell myself that I use my conscious mind to rationally control my behavior (and often I do), but the information I observe from the world around me dictates the emotions I feel—which are rooted deeper in my unconscious mind—and those thoughts play on and effect my conscious thinking.

The purpose behind my ongoing study of neuroanatomy and psychology is to better understand all the crazy shit that was going on in my mind when I sobered up. I was experiencing thoughts, emotions and drives which I had never fully (or clearly) dealt with before. I would think, “Am I going insane? Where are these thoughts coming from? How come I don’t have answers to thoughts and emotions? Why do I feel a particular way now that I’m sober? Why do I no longer like this but now I’m attracted to that? How can I make the best out of this new experience of vivid and lucid thinking?” I knew that there were tangible answers and I didn’t want to just blindly swallow all of the popular traditional catchphrases that people use in recovery. That’s where an understanding of how certain parts of the brain function comes into play.

It would be nice to be able to rationally and logically interpret all the stimuli coming into our brain, but it doesn’t work that way. The two aspects of the mind (unconscious and conscious) do communicate, but not always seamlessly or the way we would like them to. It isn’t that we’re helplessly foolish and impulsive to our unconscious mind. But our unconscious mind plays a powerful role in decision making and decision making is a conscious executive thinking function. When we’re drunk or under the influence of a mind altering substance, these executive thinking functions don’t function very well. Examples would be having your pants fall off at the wrong time with the wrong person, crying for no apparent reason or getting into fights with people about stuff that you can’t even remember the next day why or what you fought about.

The unconscious mind is very powerful in influencing how we feel emotionally and physically. There are biochemical processes that take place naturally and automatically in the brain. This includes the release of endorphins, dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin, norepinephrine, etc. When we’re drunk we just “impulsively” react to these biochemical changes. When we sober up, we may become confused as to what’s taking place within our mind. We haven’t dealt with these emotions through a clear mind. The lows feel lower and the highs aren’t as rewarding. It’s understandable why someone would relapse just to deal with the emotional confusion. I’m not endorsing relapse, I’m just saying that I understand why someone might.

Knowing all about the various parts of the brain, what chemicals they produce, what they do and how they interact with one another doesn’t automatically make you feel “happy.” But I do believe that it’s important to realize and accept that natural chemicals are released by the brain (and other organs), which affect our autonomic nervous system. This system affects blood pressure, pulse rate, breathing, arousal, anger and fear, which then affects our parasympathetic (unconscious) nervous system and our sympathetic (conscious) nervous system. This is all taking place involuntarily while we are trying to intentionally temper our emotions and control our outward behavior. When we’re drunk we don’t worry about all these connections and we just do whatever we do, but when we become sober all of these sensations are new and can feel overwhelming.

I invite you to do some studying of your own. Do a little research on some of these hormones and neurotransmitters listed here:

• Oxytocin
• Vasopressin
• Norepinephrine
• Epinephrine

(An interesting note here is that small amounts of alcohol increase the concentration of oxytocin in the blood, making some people horny and willing to boink anything. However, higher amounts of alcohol have the opposite result, leading to belligerence and violent outbursts, along with being too drunk to have sex.)

Here’s where I would like to pass along some ideas for feeling happier. Very simple actions can help your brain release “feel good” chemicals. While they won’t get you high, they can lift your mood and help you enjoy life a little more. Small, positive actions stimulate the feel good chemicals in your brain. When these actions become habit, they will come naturally and you’ll feel mildly better and more connected with people. Here are some real simple behaviors that will promote the release of feel good chemicals:

• Smile at people more often.
• Say, “Hello” when you pass along someone when walking.
• Hold a door open for people. Allow others to go through a doorway before you.
• Hold hands more often with your lover or children.
• Hug longer; take a deep snort of your spouse’s hair or neck. Breathe in the aroma of your children.

Another thing is to take your time to think rationally when you can. Thinking rationally and logically are slow actions, they take concentration. But that’s why I’m asking you to practice simple behaviors. We’re amazed at the performance of certain athletes, musicians and leaders. We are in awe by fireman and pilots who save lives without thinking. They practice constantly and their unconscious mind handles the fast, hard tasks. They follow their unconscious cues when faced with dilemmas that demand split-second thinking and action. They practice so that they are unconsciously always ready.

Here’s my wrap-up on this: Remember that our brain has not kept up with social, cultural and technological evolution. Even for those who don’t accept human evolution, just think about the social, cultural and technological changes that have taken place over the past 100 years. If you’re over 30, look at the huge cultural and technological changes that have taken place during your own lifetime. The Bible speaks of how to treat one another fairly as human beings, but I haven’t seen where it explains or foretells the coming of social media, the iPad and how to use it. Evolution (or natural selection if you prefer), favors the fittest, and the fittest are not those who are violent, strong or cruel—the fittest are those who have learned to engage in cooperative and collaborative social environments. Having a closed mind, an unpleasant disposition or an uncaring attitude leads to isolation, insulation, sometimes loneliness and often a shortened life of the perpetrator.

Our brains are capable of rational thinking and executive decisions, but these are a slower process, while most of our brain parts are still designed for basic life maintenance, which is a faster and reactive process. So try to go easy and go pleasantly. Consciously do things to promote the unconscious release of natural feel good chemicals within your body. This means to go easy on yourself and others. You and others may be acting and reacting to primal emotions and unconscious chemical releases which aren’t synchronized with our current, modern social environments. When I say, “Go easy” I’m not talking about blind altruism or complete forgiveness of transgressions. Don’t allow yourself to be used or taken advantage of, but be pleasant. Being pleasant helps you feel better and it extends your physical health.

When it comes to making the best out of your own sobriety, go easy on yourself and others. Let your sobriety and your thinking evolve. Let your mind evolve along with cultural, social and technological changes that are sure to come with sobriety. Let your body reward you with natural “feel good” chemicals by being calmer and a little friendlier. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll feel good (for reasons which you won’t cognitively know why), and you might make some new friends and really start to learn about yourself.

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(03/18/13)

“I reserve the right to drink again if I ever choose to.” Now to some people this sounds like a dangerous line of thought, but let me explain the psychological reactance which this statement eliminates for me.

But first, what is psychological reactance you ask? Psychological reactance is a common behavior among people. Simply put: When our freedom to have something becomes limited or something is taken away from us, we want it more. Having something taken away or a freedom impinged upon doesn’t make the freedom, person or product any better than it may have been in the first place when we freely had access to it, but we want or desire something even more so when we are told we can’t have. It becomes more valuable in our eyes. We have a psychological reaction towards wanting it. Many laboratory studies have been done on this but let me give you some real life examples.

Any of you who have children know that at a certain age a child becomes unreasonably demanding. Tell the child they can’t have a certain toy—it doesn’t matter what the toy is—they want it. Try to pick them up and they run. Try to put them down and they want to be held. Whenever you say “No” they want it even more no matter what it is. This happens again as they reach teenage years. Tell your teenager not to smoke and they do. Tell them to stay away from someone and they hang out with them more. Tell them that their romantic interest isn’t good for them and they desire the person even more. Also consider clothes, hairstyles and music. I’m sure that when your parents told you, “stop listening to that crazy Rock & Roll,” you immediately turned it off. And when they said “don’t drink or do drugs” you did exactly what they told you right? I’m sure you’re getting my point.

These outright rebellious behaviors tend to become more subdued as we mature but the thoughts of psychological reactance are still present within us as adults. Maybe I should instead say that the rebellious behavior morphs and manifests itself in a more reserved way when we mature. Think about your own life. Haven’t you ever been told that you can’t afford something or that it was in scarce quantity and the next thing you know, that’s all you can think of and possibly even became obsessed with acquiring it. A new TV, a new car, a bigger house, some gadget, gizmo, clothing or even a new hairstyle. As adults, we’re not any less impetuous than a teenager is, we’re just a bit more reserved about it, and of course we as mature adults can rationally explain to others and ourselves why we must have our desire. Add alcohol into the mix and our minds get us to pursue or buy all sorts of stupid shit.

I’m not ridiculing you. I’ve been guilty of this myself. And even as a sober person I still find myself desiring and thinking about plenty of things that I can’t have. But my sober clarity of mind helps me understand my desires better and I don’t impulsively react as much as I used to. I don’t hide from the fact that my desires exist. I mentally acknowledge them and do my best to consider how important they are to me. I weigh out all the consequences and try to make the best decision. I have to slow my mind down. But in some situations there isn’t time to slow my mind down and think. That’s when I use my default response of, “No, not right now. Maybe later.” I may miss out on some things, but I find I’m safer when I say, “No, not right now. Maybe later.”

So let’s look at a few other adult situations of psychological reactance: How well did prohibition work? How successful has the “war on drugs” been? How effective has smoking bans in bars, restaurants and the workplace been to stop people from smoking? Making these “vices” illegal doesn’t stop people from doing them. It may stop some, but it amps up the excitement level within others to want to do it. Let me give you examples of nondestructive vices that affect psychological reactance. How do you feel when you can’t get a cell signal on your phone, even if you don’t need to make a call? Or no internet connection when all you want to do is check your Facebook or Twitter page? Let’s say you head to the grocery store and they’re out of your favorite brand of cookie, what do you do? Or you have a craving for a certain flavor or dish but you don’t have the ingredients or the store doesn’t have what you want? You can get pretty agitated by these situations, even obsessed over it.

You’ll live if you don’t get your cookies, and a peanut butter sandwich will suffice if all you need is something in your stomach—but the desire for your original want is still there. Very often we want something even more, especially when we don’t have it or can’t have it. And when we finally do get it we may go completely overboard on it or find that it isn’t as gratifying or rewarding as we thought it would be. Just because we can’t have something doesn’t always make it any better when we finally do get it.

I have the “right” to drink, smoke dope, do cocaine, eat cookies, eat ice-cream straight out of the carton, have random sex, sleep all day, whatever I want. But just because I have a “right” doesn’t mean I need to take action on it or become mentally obsessed with it. In fact I can be mentally comforted knowing that I can do any of these things. This acknowledgment doesn’t make the desire disappear but it eliminates much of the mental obsession (or power) that it can have over me.

I still have to pay attention to my thinking before it gets carried away. My thinking can quickly tip over the edge and become focused on reasons and justifications on why I should do something. There’s a big difference between can and should. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should do it. At those dicey moments I remind myself, “Yes Mark, you can drink if you want to, but you know that you shouldn’t—so don’t.”

Alcohol hasn’t been taken away from me—I just choose to not drink it. I have every legal right to drink alcohol and even a moral right to drink. Society doesn’t look down on social drinkers, in fact advertisers and much of society glamorizes drinking. It’s acceptable. However, I know that if I do drink again nothing good will come of it. I will be letting myself down and I will be disappointing a lot of other people as well. And besides, I don’t want to give anyone that thinks I can’t stay sober the pleasure of ever seeing me fail.

So to help me avoid psychological reactance or feel like I’m being left out of the party, I tell myself, “I reserve the right to drink again if I ever choose to.” But I happen to recognize that no good will come of it if I do. Maybe this line of thinking will help you feel that you’re not being left out of the party either? We have every right, we just choose not to drink.

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(03/17/13)

I feel that I am in a very interesting and strange point within my sober evolution. I am far enough into sobriety (over 7 years 5 months at this writing), where being a non-drinker is a normal way of life for me. Yet I am still close enough to remember the early difficulties, confusion and struggles I had. Fortunately for me, my desire to drink rears its ugly head every so often. I am reminded of my desire at the least expected moments. What helps at those unwanted moments is that I am also witnessing the long-term payoffs of my sober thinking and actions.

I want to go over these various conditions that I feel and expand on them. I’m going to talk about my own experiences but my intention is to get you thinking about your own life and this may help you embrace your life as a non-drinker.

Let me get started by saying that life is not a bowl of cherries just because I don’t drink, but it’s a lot better than when I was drinking.

I was under the belief that everything would change and everything would go my way when I stopped drinking. Many things did change, many things have gone my way but a lot of things have also fallen apart and haven’t worked out as well as I hoped. That’s the biggest lesson I have learned about being a non-drinker—the good and bad in life still continue when you’re sober—but your chances of reaching the good are vastly improved when you’re sober than when you’re drunk, and the bad events can be dealt with intelligently. So there has been a lot of unexpected good that has come as a result of my sobriety and a lot of bad has been avoided simply by not drinking.

I think it’s important to point out that sobriety in and of itself didn’t do any of this for me—I did it—however, as a result of being sober I have been able to take more control and live a better life. I know that it sounds really arrogant when I say, “I did it” so let me give some examples of what I did as a result of my sobriety.

If I were still drinking I’m quite certain that my health would have progressively declined bringing all kinds of medical bills and physical limitations to me. Instead, my health has improved. I eat well, I pay much closer attention to my health and I exercise regularly. I am actually much stronger and agile than when I was a drinker. I feel better about my body and this boosts genuine self-esteem and self-confidence.

If I was still drinking I’m certain that I would have pushed my luck again and probably would’ve gotten another DWI, or worse, needlessly harmed someone else in a drunken car accident. Instead, my auto insurance rates have gone down dramatically since my first DWI and continue to drop as long as I stay accident free.

I’m certain that had I kept drinking I would have pushed away most of my high quality friends and estranged myself from my immediate family. Instead, I have strengthened my quality friendships, have made many more friends and have become much closer with my family.

I have also eliminated unwanted and unnecessary drama. I’m not the recipient of drunken phone calls and silly bullshit that I as a drunk brought on to my family and friends; I don’t cause as much drama for other people. I don’t have to go into detail because I’m sure that you have tales of drunken drama which you’ve been the recipient of and the orchestrator of. It’s nice that I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore and people don’t have to deal with my drunken bullshit anymore.

I’m not involved in volatile drunken relationships. I don’t want to have a drunken girlfriend or end up married to a drunken spouse. This can be difficult if you’re single and sober because the easiest place to meet a new romantic flame is at a bar or a nightclub. But this can be dangerous. You can easily fall back into drinking especially if your new flame is a drinker. Instead, I’ve had to become more outgoing and creative. I’ve had to become more talkative and curious about people. I must introduce myself without gallons of liquid courage in my stomach and I must risk rejection. But as a result of all this I’ve built my self-confidence and I’ve gotten to know a lot of wonderful people; I’m not afraid of people. I may not have a lover or potential spouse but I’ve developed a lot of good friendships.

I no longer have increasing or unmanageable drunken debt. This includes financial debt and interpersonal debt. I’ll go with interpersonal debt first. I don’t have to call people in the morning and apologize for my behavior the night before. I don’t have to wonder why I’m being given the cold shoulder the next time I see someone or wonder why I wasn’t invited to an event or wonder why people have apprehension about inviting me. Instead, I consciously know that I get the cold shoulder or don’t get invited because I’m an asshole, but that’s a behavior that I can address and control as a sober person. And yes I must still apologize to people for something rude that I did or said, but those instances are becoming fewer and fewer. And my apologies are sincere, they are accepted graciously and I’m often forgiven, providing that I don’t act like an asshole again.

My financial situation has greatly improved. I’ve worked on paying off my debt and I think more carefully about purchases and whether I want to take on any new debt. The money that I am no longer spending on booze—and all the other bullshit that goes with drinking—is being put to better uses. I don’t have anywhere near as much financial anxiety as I had when I was a drunk.

I did plenty of drunken blathering about all the grandiose things I was going to do and become, but they were just drunken ramblings and dreams. I did accomplish quite a bit while I was a drunk, but I feel that a lot of it happened by default or through dumb luck while I was simply stumbling along trying to earn a living. I had little to no control over my future. I can reflect and have regrets for wasted time and opportunities—but I can’t change the past. Now I no longer feel hopeless or that my lot in life has already been cast. I hunger for more and new knowledge. I accept that there are limitations to what I can learn and achieve, but expanding my knowledge has opened up a new world of possibilities I had never considered feasible before. What I have now is genuine hope to accomplish and experience some fabulous things in my life. I now have hope as opposed to drunken delusions.

Sobriety is not a cure-all for the elimination of every problem in life. There will always be struggles of one sort or another—but being a non-drinker does lower the frequency of unnecessary problems and you may also see that a lot of problems that occur are not insurmountable especially when you’re sober.

My life is by no means perfect and I still have the occasional desire to drink, but I have learned to enjoy the rewards of being a non-drinker. This helps me control my impulsive desires. I get through it and it passes. So at this stage in my evolution I am very comfortable and confident in my sobriety. Being a non-drinker is just a natural way of life for me now, but I still pay very close attention. The internal and external scars from my time as a drunkard never let me down; they always seem to be there to remind me.

And as far as you’re concerned, my wish is that you find a level of comfort and confidence. For you it may mean moderation, pre-established limits or complete abstinence from drinking. Let the evidence from your own life be your guide; don’t hide from the truth. When you are guided by truth you will know what is best for you. My wish is that you find true hope when you discover what is best for you in the question of sobriety.

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(03/08/13)

A good friend of mine brought something to my attention. If you say things like, “I need to start watching how much I drink” or “I’m going to start moderating how often or how much I drink” then you probably already have a problem. Because if you didn’t have a problem you wouldn’t have to consciously think about moderation. And if you’re one of those people who gets a bottle of medication and follows the instructions exactly without wondering or thinking about it, then you don’t have problem potential with stuff. But if you get a bottle of pain pills or sleep medications and you look at it and think, “Huh, I wonder how many I can take? I wonder how many of these I need to catch a buzz? I wonder what happens if I drink a 12-pack with these?” Then you have problem potential.

I don’t believe that you need to fill out a questionnaire from a therapist or an online survey to determine if you have an alcohol or substance problem. The answer is usually pretty clear. If you’re taking an online survey, you probably already have a problem or you wouldn’t have sought out and taken the survey. What you were most likely trying to do is massage your mind and tweak your answers so you can look at it and say, “See, I don’t have a problem. I just need to moderate a little bit. At least I’m not as bad as (insert name).” Isn’t it interesting that while taking these surveys or talking with a therapist we will often compare our own behavior to someone else that we know.

I’m not implying that you’re a liar, but who wouldn’t talk with a therapist or fill out a survey about themselves and give answers that reflect you in the best possible light? If the answers through the online questionnaire reveal something you don’t like, you go back and change a couple of the answers. We naturally look for and often create an image of the results that we want to see. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re a pathological liar or a full blown nut case. You just want to see yourself reflected in the best possible light.

I’m going to give you a few examples of some surveys because I think this is fun stuff:

Take a clinical Psychopathy test sometime. I would be so bold to guess that if you were to take the PCL-R (Psychopathy Checklist-Revised), and providing that you answered the questions honestly, you would “qualify” as a psychopath based on certain behaviors and emotions that you at one time or another exhibited in the past. (I would be considered a psychopath—at least by my former wife and most of my former girlfriends.)

What are some of the “signs” of being a psychopath or sociopath?

• Egocentricity
• Callousness
• Manipulative
• Impulsive
• Thrill-seeking
• Sexually promiscuous
• Unfaithful
• Irresponsible
• Deceptive
• Secretive
• Grandiose
• Lack of concern for the suffering of others

(This could all sound like a fun weekend or a bad date depending on your point of view.)

Who hasn’t, at one time or another, while drunk or not, exhibited some of these traits? Fortunately, 99% of us do not continue with all of these behaviors simultaneously raging at full speed. Unless you hear voices in your head (other than your own), you’re not a clinical psychopath. But based on your “interview answers,” you could be viewed as one.

Now let’s ask some questions about whether a person is an alcoholic.

The traditional “alcoholic” questionnaire will query you about blackouts, memory loss, sexual promiscuity, missing responsibilities, volatility of relationships, frequency and amount of drinking, isolating, etc. The majority of adults could answer “Yes” to most of these questions. You say, “Aw, no way!” Well, have you ever forgotten to pay a bill or paid only the minimum amount? Have you ever argued with a friend or family member? Ever seen someone or been around someone that got you sexually aroused? Ever forget someone’s name or misremember facts?  It happens all the time to people who don’t even drink.

Now to the questions of frequency and amount you drink:

What if grandma drinks a glass of port wine every night at dinner and another glass before bed? She says it helps her sleep and has been doing this routine for 20 years. Is SHE an alcoholic? She drinks 7 days a week! On paper she sounds like an alcoholic. But would you do an intervention and send grandma off to a 12-step program? Unless grandmas going out to bars wearing a leather miniskirt and tearin’ it up as a geriatric Superfreak, you’d probably leave her be.

Here’s a more relevant example. What if you drink every day, alone, at home and never argue with anyone, always pay your bills on time, get to work on time and perform your job well. The only criteria that you match as, “An alcoholic” is that you drink every day. But what if you don’t do that every day? What if you are so controlled and under a routine that you only do it on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday night? You pay your bills, you’re responsible and you don’t go out and get into fights. However, on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday night you sit on your couch and drink until you fall asleep in front of the TV. Do you need an intervention or to go into a program? Are you an alcoholic?

I feel that it comes down to whether YOU are happy with your behavior. Do you really need clinical confirmation or exoneration to determine whether excessive drinking is causing problems or not? Who gives a shit whether you hold the official title of alcoholic or not?

When you go to outside sources or services about substance abuse, you often aren’t searching for confirmation that you ARE an alcoholic or an addict. You’re trying to massage your own mind to tell yourself that you AREN’T an alcoholic and may even use your “test results” as a way to defend yourself when others observe, suggest or outright accuse you of being an alcoholic or addict. Chances are good that if you perform a questionnaire about your drinking habits you won’t say, “Wow! Am I glad I took that test. I had no fucking idea that I drink too much. This must be my lucky day.”

All jokes and kidding aside, there is value in taking online questionnaires or talking with a therapist. Not necessarily because of the results it may show you, but because YOU are showing concern; somewhere inside of you something is bothering you about this. Being curious and recognizing that you have a substance overuse problem can be your first stage of getting your life under control.

Here’s my point. You don’t need to take all kinds of online quizzes or see a therapist to decide if YOU have an alcohol overuse problem. That decision is YOURS and the evidence is probably right in front of you. Look around your house or your car. If your garbage or recycle bin is filled with empty beer cans, booze and wine bottles the evidence is right there. (As a side exercise, take all those bottles and cans out and add them up. See how much money you spent on the creation of piss. Not a fun exercise is it, when you see the truth in numbers.) Yes, you might want to get outside confirmation from some other source, but what would that “confirmation” change? Your doctor, therapist, minister, boss, spouse or friend could all tell you, “Yes John, you have a drinking problem,” and you can still massage your own mind by saying, “Well I still have my job. I haven’t lost my home. And I’m certainly not as bad as (insert name).”

Instead of filling out a survey, talking with a therapist or attending a meeting out of curiosity, just try living completely alcohol free for 30 days. See how you feel, behave and react to life during those 30 days. (I also suggest that you stash $10 away every day during that period.) At the end of 30 days you will have a better idea if you have a drinking problem (and YOU will also be $300 richer). And if you’re already sober, maybe stop calling yourself an alcoholic. How can you be an alcoholic if you don’t drink? I’m just sayin’…

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(03/05/13)

I realize that this is a bold statement for me to make. I don’t know YOU personally, so maybe you are an awful person even if you’re sober? And how do I know? Maybe some of the things that you’ve done while drunk may have been quite awful? But I have found that most alcohol abusers are NOT awful people, they just drink too much.

Let me be very clear here. This doesn’t mean that you get a free pass on any of the things you are responsible for doing or causing. My point is that if you keep telling yourself and thinking that you’re rotten, it will take longer to begin being a decent sober person. You may not enjoy your own sobriety and others may not be able to enjoy your sobriety with you if you live under the belief that you are weak, powerless, flawed, awful and rotten.

Your behavior and actions—NOW—will show what you are.

YOU are not awful just because you drink or were a drunk. True, your behavior while drunk may have been reprehensible (and may require restitution), but in a sober state YOU probably would not behave that way. Again, this doesn’t mean that drunken behavior can just be forgiven or overlooked as “drunken behavior,” even if it’s past behavior. The person committing such behavior is responsible for getting drunk in the first place. Alcohol will alter someone’s mental processing, which is why they do stupid drunken shit. So not until the perpetrator has stopped drinking can (or should) forgiveness begin.

One can answer a question (or challenge) in both principle and in practice. However, it’s far easier to answer a question in principle than it is in practice. For instance, I know right from wrong, but whether I do right from wrong is another matter. Most of us instinctively know right from wrong—so deep inside we are good people—but we must apply what we know to show that we are good people.

Alcohol can be the catalyst that brings out the worst in you. If past evidence shows you that you become belligerent or behave in ways you don’t like when you’re drunk, then you know what the right thing to do is. Stopping your destructive drinking is the way to show that you are not an awful person. This may not be easy or fun, but doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

Sobriety in itself will not automatically make you a wonderful person. You may do fewer bad or dumb things as a result of sobriety, but just stopping alcohol consumption will not qualify you for sainthood. Sober people can be just as awful and reprehensible as a drunk. A sober person can lie on their taxes, steal, say hurtful things, get into fights, have affairs and drive like a maniac. They may not drink alcohol but they still have problems with impulse control.

Impulse control is the base of doing right or wrong, for yourself and for others. Lack of impulse control is most likely what got the majority of us drinking or doing drugs in the first place. There may have been outside factors which sparked our “reasons” to self-medicate or to enhance our social behavior with drinking or drugs, but not controlling our impulse to “party like everyone else” is what probably got us started and is the most likely basis behind relapses. So our biggest problem is impulse control, not that we’re rotten.

I believe that the majority of people instinctively know what is right and what is wrong. Many people are influenced by outside sources. Friends, family, advertising, academia and even our government can influence what we believe as right from wrong. Many people will turn to religious teachings to support their belief or give them confirmation on what they feel is right or wrong. For example, Mosaic Law in the Old Testament says, “An eye for an eye.” Whereas Jesus in the New Testament says, “If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Instinctively, most of us realize that Moses is referring to judicial law (a crime should be punished), but Jesus is referring to moral and social law (forgive those who may unintentionally or senselessly hurt you). A lot of times, people will adjust and adapt scripture to serve and suite their own purposes. But you know what’s right from wrong. Regardless of what source of reference you use to help guide you, I believe that most of us instinctively know what is right and what is wrong.

And as far as you thinking that you’re an awful person because you were at one time a drunk is a self-imposed prison sentence. It is my belief—and through my own personal experience—that by retaining feelings that you are weak, powerless, flawed, awful, etc., only holds you back from rebuilding your self-esteem and living genuine amends towards the people you care about. You are not awful—you are human and fallible and you will make mistakes—but you are not a flawed and rotten person. Remind yourself of that and behave today like the good, caring and healthy person that you instinctively know you are.

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(02/20/13)

This blog will cover a few different human tendencies, but they’re all intertwined and they aren’t strictly about getting or staying sober. My discussion here will be relevant to many things in life: a diet, a workout plan, your education, career moves, financial budgeting, planning for your retirement and relationships with people. The list can go on.

Let’s start with the first one. “You ain’t gonna do shit.” Me saying, “You ain’t gonna do shit” is not a confrontation to argue with you or meant to insult you. It is a phrase intended to extend a challenge. I say this phrase to myself all the time. It challenges me and requires me to seriously think about what I claim I will do. I am by no means close to perfect nor am I able to do everything I say I will. But this challenges me to do what I say I will do.

Hearing someone who’s sitting at bar or at a party reciting all of the things they are going to do can be very entertaining. “I’m gonna write a book. I’m gonna get a new job. I’m gonna run for Mayor. I’m gonna go on a diet, I’m gonna blah, blah, blah,.” You hear them and you think, “You ain’t gonna do shit.” And you’re right, because as they tell you what they’re going to do they order another Rum & Coke. They ain’t gonna do shit.

Even sane, clearheaded, sober people can fall prey to this. It is a strange way that the mind massages itself and massages our own ego. I’m not saying that people are liars. We may have the best intentions, even have plans in place to carry out what we say we will do. But until action is taken, nothing happens. So when you hear yourself making some outrageous (even not so outrageous) claims about what you will do, challenge yourself with the words, “You ain’t gonna do shit” and then prove yourself wrong. Prove to yourself that you WILL do what you say you will do.

I’m not so arrogant to think myself better than humanity. But I accept that 90% of people won’t do what they say they will do. This helps me to be charitable and loving (stop laughing). If I don’t expect you to do what you said you will do, I won’t be disappointed, I won’t feel I’m above that person and I can stop myself from feeling anger towards them. I am able to still love and care about the person. (It helps me avoid unintended revenge—I’ll talk about that shortly.) I can relax and consider that maybe there were circumstance that I’m unaware of that didn’t allow the person to fulfill their word.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not criticizing humanity. Talking a good talk is a natural human behavior. A lot of things sound pretty good when coming out of the talk-hole, “I’m going on a diet, I’m going back to school, I’m gonna be President.” Without uttering these intentions out loud you don’t have to live up to any claims. So vocalizing your intentions is important and it may be the first step towards you taking action.

You wanna scare the shit out of people? Do what you say you will do. If you say you’re going back to school then do it. If you say you’re going to be a better parent then work at it. If you say you’re going to finish a project then finish it. Start by fulfilling small promises and the big ones will follow. Again, I am by no means perfect. While I strive to be part of the 10%, I often fall short.

Some people you have to interact with either for business or personal reasons. You must decide to what limit you are willing to expose and invest your time, talent, money or emotions. Here’s where unintended revenge comes into play.

Have you ever been told something by someone and thought, “I don’t believe a fucking word you say. You have never done a single thing you said you would.” Just because you don’t trust them or don’t necessarily like them is no reason to compromise your own behavior or consistency. For example, I have plenty of people who never return my calls or emails. But when THEY need something, I guarantee I will hear from them, they’ll be calling every 5 minutes. I must then control my natural human emotion of “revenge.”  I must keep myself calm, hold off on my snide commentary and not allow myself to compromise my behavior. I will be civil, treat them with dignity and I will be man enough to say “no” if I don’t feel like doing something. But I will not exact my revenge by ignoring them. Usually after enough “no’s” from me they go away anyhow.

And you’re fooling yourself if you say, “I never exact revenge on anyone.” Somebody cuts you off in traffic or is rude to you at a store, you may unconsciously take it out on an innocent person like your spouse, child, coworker, anyone. You are exacting revenge.

Revenge has a path. Sometimes it’s obvious—he did me wrong so I will get even. Most times it follows an invisible path from the unconscious mind (you feel hurt by something someone said or did), then it goes to the subconscious mind (you do something in retaliation that you might not normally do), then it goes to the conscious mind (you tell yourself why your behavior was justifiable). “Oh, so now this fucker calls? He ignored how many of my calls? But now he wants to talk to me. Good luck if I call HIM back.” That’s revenge, and it may end up hurting you.

I’m not saying that you take or return every call or email. There’s only so much time in life. You have priorities and responsibilities which come first. You may be in the middle of doing something you said you would do. Use your judgment.

The unconscious desire to exact unintentional revenge comes from unexpected occurrences. Somebody cuts you off in traffic, a cashier is rude, you get passed over for a promotion, you get a bad grade, you lose money, somebody turns you down for a date, whatever. You feel hurt and you can unconsciously start acting out your revenge. That’s when you may get shitty with your family, cut someone else off in traffic or steal something from work. You begin to compromise your behaviors and then justify them in your own mind. Hey, I’ve done it. This can weaken you to have a relapse. I’ve never relapsed, but when I was drinking I might have had an argument with my wife so I went and got extra drunk. Ooooh, I showed her didn’t I? Relapsing or going and getting drunk is no way to get revenge. You’re just hurting yourself.

Doing what you say you will do has a lot to do with “honor.” I have tried to explain “Honor among thieves” to a few people. Law enforcement has difficulty understanding this concept and so do some legitimate business people. I don’t want to incriminate myself so I will be vague. I have heard of business transactions that are sealed with a handshake. These criminals were good for their word and they would pay what was owed. It was pretty simple: If you didn’t pay your supplier, you were no longer supplied. If you owed the supplier a large sum of money and didn’t pay it back there may be a painful interest penalty. Word would get around pretty fast if someone was a con or a deadbeat. You were required to be a man of your word if you wished to continue in your profitable enterprise. As twisted as it sounds, this type of business relationship instilled honor among the participants.

Don’t get me wrong. It didn’t always go with honor and chivalry. Every career field has its crooks and cons. But that particular industry has an interesting way of policing itself. One must learn to be honorable and do what they say they will do if they wish to be successful. One can take those principles of honor and doing what you say you will do and carry them over into a public enterprises and into the exchanges with family, friends and people in general. I’ve seen it happen.

So what does this all mean? Refrain from making too many grandiose projections of what you will do. Be careful of what you promise, especially the little things. If you promise to call someone, then call them. If you promise to take care of something, then take care of it. If you’re unable to fulfill a promise, acknowledge it. Don’t go on with reasons, excuses and bullshit about why you didn’t do it or why it didn’t happen. Just say you didn’t do it or it didn’t happen. If the disappointed party wants to hear why, they will ask. Then you can recite your laundry list of bullshit.

Being human is not always easy. The desire to catch someone in their flaws is natural. When your flaws are pointed out, it’s normal to want to defend yourself by pointing out your accuser’s flaws. But this may lead you to unintentional revenge or compromising your own honor. “Nobody else does what they say they will, why should I?” Try to be part of the 10%. Do what you say you will do, refrain from exacting unintentional revenge on others and work towards being a person of honor. These behaviors will boost your self-respect and self-esteem. You don’t have to exhibit these qualities to be sober, but I believe they will help you stay that way and help you make the best out of your sobriety.

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(02/13/13)

Before you go buy the book “The Secret” I would like you step back for a moment and first view how pessimistic you are. You see, even if you visualize good things, put positive affirmations and pictures of your goals up on the refrigerator, if you have a pessimistic outlook, you will be unconsciously drawn towards fulfilling the downside. You will bring negativity and poor outcomes into reality through your own self-fulfilling prophecies.

Pessimism and a negative outlook are parallel to the positive principles of The Secret and Laws of Attraction. But negative attitudes can manifest negative results faster and more dramatically than positive affirmations bring positive results. And one small setback or disappointment can undermine all positive affirmations and recent positive experiences. That’s when pessimism rears its ugly head again. “See, I knew this was too good to last. I knew I was gonna get fucked in this deal somehow.” Then the loop of negative self-fulfilling prophecies starts all over. And with that pessimistic attitude comes depression.

There are easier ways to combat depression than through prescribed medications or therapy. There are ways to improve your life and enjoy your future more than by doing all the goal setting strategies I so heavily tout. Goals are important, yet the process of working at a goal should be what is relished. Sometimes medication is helpful and necessary for stabilizing chemical imbalances which may bring about clinical depression. But for the most part, your mood and attitude will be what determines your happiness. What you expect will often determine the experience. Not always, but very often.

Have you ever heard of the term: psychosomatic? This is another type of self-fulfilling prophecy. Psychosomatic means that you can think yourself into being ill, or at least feel as if you are suffering the symptoms of the illness you think you have. Now I’m sure that none of you have never fallen victim to psychosomatic illness. But you may have felt sick for someone else, or felt their pain. And if you dwelled on their illness or pain for an extended amount of time you can genuinely begin to feel pain yourself. If you stay focused on a pessimistic outlook for too long, you drop into a state where you feel you lack power and then you can slide into depression. This can create a self-learned cycle of sad, self-fulfilling prophecies.

I’m not saying that you go about life being oblivious to reality. Being broke sucks. Being in debt sucks. Living in a dangerous neighborhood sucks. Being in an abusive or unhappy relationship sucks. But if you remain pessimistic in your outlook and believe that you are powerless over your situation you will set the stage for your own self-fulfilling prophecy loop. You will stay stuck or stagnate and do nothing. And I can guarantee you that if you do nothing you will get nothing.

The power of expectation has been proven through thousands of product comparison studies. There have been numerous studies done with food, soda, cars, TVs, jelly, mustard—you name it and somebody has done a study on it. An interesting one is wine tasting comparisons. If you’re told you are about to taste a $200 bottle of wine and a $9 bottle of wine, the average person will think the $200 wine tastes better than the $9 wine, even when both samples are the same product in each bottle. There are clear distinctions between brands you like and don’t like and experiences you like and don’t like, but mood, attitude and expectations do have an influence on your behavior, your actions and thus the results of many outcomes—creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

Everything can’t be controlled. No matter how much you try to control things, there will always be elements of uncertainty and unpredictability. Much in our life is a result of randomness and luck. You can stack the odds of good luck in your favor by controlling the small things and many of those small things make a big difference. You CAN control your outlook.

If you keep telling yourself you are helpless and powerless, what do YOU think will be your mood and attitude? You’re in essence setting yourself up to fail or establishing authorization to fail. “I’m weak and powerless. What else would you expect from me? I’m such a moron,” blah, blah, blah. Keep talking poorly about yourself you will feel poorly about yourself and you will bring about self-fulfilling prophecies.

The descriptive words you use about yourself and the world around you set your expectations. These words are what psychologists call your explanatory style. Your explanatory style—the words you use about yourself and the world—give life to either a pessimistic or optimistic outlook. Those words also give life to denial and depression. If you always blame someone else or some other condition (for good and bad), that fosters denial. Blaming someone else for the bad is unrealistic and not taking credit for your good (or crediting some mystical source for your good), minimizes your own self-worth. And a depressed person will often fault themselves for everything to the point where they feel they are stupid and helpless.

Acceptance of responsibility is different than blaming. Acceptance is a conscious acknowledgment and awareness of the words you use, the tone of your voice, the tenseness of your jar, your behavior, how often you smile and your outlook. When all you think about are dour outcomes, that’s what you’ll be looking for. And you won’t have to look far for them—they’ll find you.

Don’t get me wrong. You can’t just live in Pretendo Land. Just because you want something to be true that doesn’t mean it will become so. While it may appear to be true in your own mind, it may not be true in the real world. What’s weird is that sometimes you see people who are completely out of touch with reality, yet things go their way. This is usually because whether they realize it or not, they try harder than other people and they have not given in to helplessness. They have an attitude of feeling things will go their way and their attitude pushes them along into action. And a lot of times they succeed through pure luck. But they are looking at their life with a positive attitude.

I know a lot of this stuff sounds like what your grandma probably told you, well, maybe your grandma but my grandma was German and I couldn’t understand a word she said. Anyway, using negative words to describe yourself and your world around you will propel a dour outlook which leads to seeing dour predictions. Then your mind unconsciously goes to work to help you achieve self-fulfilling prophecies. Simply by stopping a pessimistic and dour outlook may change everything, or at least be the start of improving your life. Why not give it a try? What’s the worst that can happen? It may help you feel better for a while.

Click here to listen to audio version of this blog article.

(02/11/13)

The average adult (none of us think we’re average by the way), will talk about their social experiences. When they do, this is a great opportunity to practice acting normal. I talk with all sorts of people, and most of them have no idea that I’m a non-drinker. I talk with people at the Post Office, grocery store or gym. They talk about their weekend, how they went to a party or a show. They may (or may not mention) drinking as part of their socializing. If they do mention drinking I don’t make any comments about it. It’s their life. I have witnessed nice conversations turn sour as soon as someone says, “Well I don’t drink so I don’t go to those kinds of events.” This is often said with a condescending tone or superiority. Why say something like that?

When I talk with people about my weekend, my work or my travels, I talk about the subject at hand. I don’t close or qualify my statements with, “Oh, and by the way, I don’t drink.” Whether I drink or not has nothing to do with my day job and many of the other normal things I do in life. If I talk about a comedy show that I recently saw, a concert I was recently at or a movie that I just watched, that’s what I talk about. There’s no reason to include mention of my non-drinker status. I’m not embarrassed about it, I just don’t need to talk about it all the time. There’s an appropriate time to talk about sobriety—such as here in my blog on sobriety. If you met me on the street you would never know I’m a non-drinker.

A lot of newly sober people become anxious, nervous and concerned about going out in public. They’re not necessarily worried that they’ll crack, they’re worried about what their friends or other people will think. I was guilty of this myself. But I quickly overcame this false concern when I did some social psychology research and then experienced it myself.

The Barry Manilow T-Shirt experiment:

In 1996 Thomas Gilovich performed an experiment at Cornell University. He had college students put on T-Shirts with Barry Manilow on the front and then sent them around to various other classrooms. The instructors were in on the experiment, so they made sure that the Barry Manilow T-Shirt wearing student was clearly seen by all the other students in the class.

The students who wore the T-Shirt were interviewed after they went to a couple different classrooms. They felt that everyone must have noticed them and thought they were a dork. When asked to give a percentage they responded, “50% or more noticed my dorky T-Shirt.”

The researcher then entered the classrooms and asked the students if they recalled the person who was just there. About 25% remembered seeing someone in a Barry Manilow T-Shirt. (Remember that the student was actually put in the spotlight but only 25% noticed.)

The same experiment was performed but in this situation the students wore “cool” T-Shirts with either Jerry Seinfeld, Bob Marley or Martin Luther King Jr. on the front. Once again the interrupting student was put in the spotlight. The attending students were then asked if they noticed what the person was wearing. Less than 10% of them remembered the cool T-Shirt.

There have been many other experiments similar to this studying how attentive people are towards other people and their surroundings. The percentages are fairly consistent even when something extraordinary is thrown into the equation. These are experiments that actually put the subject into the spotlight and most people still don’t notice it.

So, taking these percentages into account, you can presume that most people won’t notice you in a public setting. (This also tells us that you’re more likely to get noticed if you dress like a dork than dress cool.) This also means that there will be a small amount of people who will notice you and push a drink on you. Some will do it because they want to be what they believe as being a good host. Others will push it on you because they see you with an empty hand and think you must need a drink. Others will push it on you because they’re already drunk and think everyone else should be drunk too.

You are under NO OBLIGATION to explain yourself. You just say, “No thanks, I’m good.” Most people will then offer an alternative or say, “Okay, but let me know if you need anything.”

A drunk on the other hand will keep pushing. At that point I either walk away or stop responding. If I’m stuck with them at my table or whatever the temporary situation might be, I just agree with them. “What, are you a fag? C’mon have a shot.” “Ya, I’m a faggot. I can’t drink shots like you.” “Awww you pussy.” “Yup, that’s right. I am.” I won’t get drawn in and I don’t want to engage. And the last thing I’ll talk with them about is sobriety. One of us will leave eventually.

So here’s where I’m going with this. If you attend a Wedding reception, picnic, company event or go to any social gathering where alcohol is served, you are under NO OBLIGATION to drink or to explain why you don’t drink. Most people don’t give a shit anyway. Don’t worry what they think, because they’re NOT thinking of you, they’re thinking of themselves.

Consider this: If you’re all wrapped up in your own world thinking about yourself and worried what people will think about you, ummm, isn’t there a good chance that everyone else is busy doing the same thing—thinking about themselves—figuring that everyone else is watching them and thinking about them?

You’re not being watched and scrutinized as much as you think you are.

There is a proper time and place to talk about politics, religion, to tell dirty jokes and the same goes for talking about sobriety. You are under NO OBLIGATION to tell someone that you don’t drink or why you don’t drink. Is this hiding from reality or not being proud of your sobriety? I don’t believe so. I think it’s just acting normal. In the scheme of things, most people are interested in themselves and not you. I remind myself of this all the time. When someone wants to talk with me about sobriety, they’re not interested in me or my story; they’re interested in what I have to say that will help them. That’s not a criticism of humanity, that’s an acceptance of reality. And with that acceptance, we can be of benefit to one another.

So don’t worry about what other people will think if you’re not drinking. More than likely they will never notice. Unless you’re playing the guitar wearing only underpants in Times Square, most people won’t notice you. That’s just how it is. In many ways that’s a good thing because you don’t have to worry about what people will think of you. People won’t notice or care whether you’re drinking or not—unless you point it out to them. So don’t point it out to them and just be normal.