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Living Sober Sucks!
Continued from Home page......
Yes, sobriety does suck,,,, but I can’t go back. I have been sober for over 4 years without a relapse. I am the healthiest I have ever been, but I’m bored and I miss drinking. I am at least honest about this. I want to drink. In fact, I probably could start drinking again and lead a relatively successful, productive and happy life. However I am quite certain that I would go right back to the level of drinking and drunken behavior I exhibited before I quit. I am also certain that I would get even worse over the years. My health would deteriorate, my brain would shrivel, my diction would become garbled, my communication skills would flounder, my finances would be literally pissed away and I would most likely become an even more obnoxious asshole than I am now. Therefore, as I weigh out the pro’s and con’s, I feel that I am better off sober, but being sober still sucks. That’s just how it is for me.
I was a professional drunk. I was very productive. I married a wonderful woman and we led a very comfortable lifestyle. We had 2 houses (one was a lake house), we had nice things and never went hungry. She was a wonderful woman and I was a dedicated husband (for 23 years).
My wife and I both made mistakes, but I guess if you’re drunk when you do bad things it doesn’t count. That’s called the “liquor loophole”. Oh well, guess us drunks can’t win them all.
These are my thoughts and reflections after 1 year 2 years and 3 years of sobriety. I still would like to get drunk and escape. When I start feeling the temptation to drink, I get pretty scared. I don't know if I will ever start drinking again. If I do, I'm fucked! Anyway,,,, here's a list of good things and bad things. It’s kind of like a balance sheet. These lists were each written on or near the anniversary date, they have not been changed or updated. By not editing or changing the lists, I can look back and understand where I need improvement and hopefully see what I’ve done right, as well as what I've done wrong.
3 years sober / Negatives:
I feel numb - a lack of emotions - a sense of “I don’t care”
I am missing out on joy that is right in front of me
I still feel lonely
I feel like I am not grabbing at what I would like in life
I have no clearly defined personal goals
I sometimes feel like a freak (when everyone else is drinking and I am not)
My lack of emotion sometimes pushes people away
My cutting sense of humor sometimes pushes people away
I feel useless at times
I miss having a partner in my life
Maybe I need to love more and then love will come my way?
3 years sober / Positives:
I am very proud of my continued sobriety
I am learning to like myself again
I feel comfortable with the decisions I make (but I still fuck things up on occasion)
I read more books
My thinking is even clearer
I keep my mouth shut more often or at least think before I speak
My sense of humor is sharper (maybe not in a good way)
I don’t get angry very often or at little inconveniences
I am more accepting of other people’s ideas and opinions
I thirst for knowledge
I thirst for love
I thirst for passion
I can better see my own character flaws (I just don’t fix them like I should)
People like ME for what I represent and what I have done (while many others don’t like me for who I am)
I have met some very wonderful people through this website
I have my 3 dogs - who are my unconditional friends
I have been an inspiration to friends as well as people I don’t even know
I am still sober
1 Year Sober
Negatives / Regrets over the past year:
I hurt my best friend (my wife)
I lost my best friend (my wife)
I tried too hard to fix things in my marriage
I didn’t learn faster during my recovery
I didn’t have my baby doll to cry on when I needed help and support
Ruined my marriage
Tore my own heart out
Haven’t been able to forgive myself
Burdened my friends with my problems and my tale of woe
I haven’t been strong enough to accept the end of my marriage and “let go and move on” from my wife
I was able to fix everything except for my marriage and relationship with my wife
I cried too much
I thought too much about too many things that are out of my control
Allowed emotional pain to crush me and debilitate me
Cried too much
Lost almost 1 year of my life to pain, tears, sadness and depression
Pushed trying to repair my relationship with my wife too hard
May have forced issues to happen too quickly, separation, divorce
Second guess myself too much
Struggled and fought too hard to hang on to things, hopes or conditions that are not real.
I have not been able to, or willing to accept harsh, brutal realities
Cried too much for too long
Started hating myself and my life
Lost my self-confidence
I have not made plans for the rest of my life, as it is going to be from now on
Inability to flow with the dramatic changes that have taken place in my life
Biggest regret: Not paying enough attention, or paying the right type of attention to the love of my life, forcing her away and ultimately losing her
1 Year Sober / Positives:
Discovered how much I love my wife
Got sober 1 day and stayed sober
Didn’t give in to temptation to drink
Didn’t spend money on drinking
Discovered who my true friends were and how much they truly love me
Improved my physical health
Accepted my faults
Undertook making changes and accepting responsibilities that my wife asked of me
Accepted responsibility for ruining my life and my marriage
Took on a career change and have been fairly successful at it
Stayed at the same high pressure job for over 1 year
Learned how to be a better friend and better person
Discovered my personal powers and power of self discipline
Learned how to pray and opened up to accepting an existence of a God
I grew up and I think better of myself in good, healthy ways
I am finally thinking clearer - It took six or more months for my brain to clear up
Started paying off my debts and paid off a few debts without creating more debt
Was able to work out agreement and terms of divorce with my wife as an adult and in a fair and mature fashion
Went through my divorce without “anger & hatred” towards my wife
Have maintained existence as a single person - eating, housekeeping, paying bills on time
I have made numerous honest attempts to repair my marriage and relationship with my wife
Wrote out plans and resolutions for 2006 and have completed or achieved many of them
Studied and used my own version of the 12 step program to calm and help myself. Also used my own program to improve how I treat people
Deepened and strengthened loving relationships with friends and family
Stayed faithful and focused on rebuilding marriage and my life
Dedicated and valuable employee
2 Years Sober
Negatives / Regrets:
I lost some of my best friends:
My Dad passed away 06/02/07
I had to have my 12 year old dog put to sleep 06/13/07
I lost my friend of 16 years, Mike, to his new girlfriend - she didn’t care for me and didn’t want to share him with me
Allowed myself to be played for a fool by my ex-wife
I would do favors for my ex-wife, thinking she would love me again but all she was doing was taking advantage of me
Became more “numb” - Lost my sensation to love, to hate and to cry after my Dad died
Just became “inert” emotionally - Can’t find joy and don’t have high hopes for my life
Wanted to drink more often - didn’t try to talk myself into it but thought about it a lot and had many fleeting thoughts of desperation and thoughts of “why not”
Daily life has become more mundane and depressing
Feel like I’m done with life - Can’t see a wonderful future
Spent more time being sad than I did my first year
Felt very alone and lonely
Felt very foolish for continuing to love someone that threw me away and that had cheated on me
2 Years Sober / Positives:
Became really good friends with my Dad. Even though he died, we got to say goodbye to one another and he was proud of my sobriety
Started getting my career under control
Started getting my home life under control
Started accepting that I must let go of my ex-wife and quit hoping for what won’t ever be
My thinking has become very clear
Strong sense of consciousness and awareness - which kind of sucks because reality is now so crystal clear
Learning to accept that my failed marriage was not all my fault and that I am not the awful person that I was lead to believe I was
Stayed sober for another year
Didn’t give in to temptation to drink
Didn’t spend money on drinking
Further improved my physical health
Bought rental property, completely rebuilt it and turned it into a profit center
Bought myself a really nice car
“Living Sober Sucks”.
Mark Anthony Tuschel
(Don't be fooled by the suite & tie. I'm not wearing pants)
I have lived a wild and unconventional life filled with exciting jobs, dangerous situations and lots and lots of alcohol. Can't forget to mention all of the drugs too. I had a wonderful wife for 23 years. (We both drank but I ended up divorced one year after I quit drinking).
I am sober for more than 8 years and at times I seem to lead a very boring, dull, uneventful style of life. Yup, that describes it,,, I feel like a neutered cat. I spend hours just staring out the livingroom window looking at chipmunks. (However I don't have the flexibility to lick myself!)
But seriously, my life is getting better. I am glad that I am sober. I have good friends and a loving family. I foster dogs for Animal Rescue and that helps with the loneliness. All I know is that my chances of living a rewarding life are far better sober than if I was drinking. Thank you for visiting my site.
Here is my Curriculum Vitae:
I are done didn't graduate from High School
Honorable Discharge / U.S. Air Force specialized in Communication Electronics
I know how to weld
I can fart the Star Spangled Banner
I have been in radio broadcast for over 20 years - writing, producing, and engineering comedy material
PhD. - Previous Hard Drinker
I perform and record voice work for radio and television commercials. My specialty is cartoon voices, character voices and dialects.
I have done comedy for, but not limited to: ESPN Radio, All Star Radio Network, American Comedy Network, Animal Planet and a host of other nationally known radio celebrities.
Passed Drunk Driving School / Cum Loudly.
I'm sure there are more impressive things that I've done, I just don't remember them.
I am also available for motivational and speaking engagements for groups, organizations, companies. Hell, for the right price, I'll show up at weddings, funerals, bar mitvahs or family events and insult your friends and relatives. Just email me.
What is my purpose?:
Some people have asked me what my point is, or what am I trying to accomplish with this website. I am not here to preach temperance or to tell people that alcohol is bad. Alcohol is fun. I just can’t drink it. Maybe you shouldn’t drink either. I have a couple of reasons why I started this site.
#1 - I hope that I can be of help to those who want to stop or control their drinking.
#2 - I hope that my story can help others to repair and salvage relationships.
#3 - I hope that my story will inspire others to think about whether they also have an alcohol or drug problem.
#4 - I would like to be able to sell my book, T-Shirts and can koozies.
#5 - I would like to develop myself into a motivational speaker.
#6 - I would like to eventually make money as an author and motivational speaker.
At least I am honest about my motives. How can we accomplish goals in life if we are not honest about them and clearly define them? I can’t stress enough, that if you think you have an alcohol or drug problem, then you probably do have a problem. If alcohol use is adversely effecting you and your relationships, please do something about it. NOW is a perfect time to start.
I am available for motivational presentations and speaking engagements for groups, organizations, companies. Hell, for the right price, I'll show up at weddings, funerals, bar mitvahs or family events and insult your friends and relatives. Just email me.
For Tucker Max: “Yes, there is beer in hell. However, it’s 3.2 beer, served warm and overpriced. So you just keep drinking the shit and you never catch a good buzz. There’s nowhere to piss and its impossible to drink the fat broads beautiful.”
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